Yesterday i was on duty in the middle time, from 00:00 to 04:00. I was sitted in the pilot's chair, controling that the ship doesn't move so much from a line draw in the map, and thinking. I had a good new. Hristi said me that she will try meeting me if i go bulgaria in christmas holidays.
It may be a nice time. I watched some pictures of Hristi and thought that she looked a bit sad now a days. I was driving and remenber the old times when i chatted with her, a little teenager in an unknown land. I remenber she telling me that wanted to learn spanish, and that her father, a mariner, brought him magazines and books from Spain. I always found it so lovely and romantic, that father in a foreign land looking for gifts to his daughter. As a guy without father, i recognaised me a bit jealous and happy for her.
Maybe that was the time when i connected so emotionally with her. Other maybe it was another thing. Sometimes i feel that i need to feel something so intense for people, the way i can feel myself alive. At this time i was younger and more inocent, but remenber having quite deep feelings for her. No idea what kind of feelings, but strong ones for sure.
And i haven't ever meet her eye to eye. But she gave me an excuse to go Bulgaria again, more than meeting Martin and eating/drinking boza, more than going with Nora to a metal pub and drink some beer. It's curious. Sometimes i think that it's important to me imagine that i matter to someone, no matter who. Sounds a bit selfish and stupid, but it's this way. As they are people who worth my feelings, i need them to care about me.
That's why i am so lucky these days. I have known many great people and i feel that i can have support just asking. Maybe support from the opposite side of the world, but great support after all.
So i will try coming back to Bulgaria. To feel disappointed and remenber myself that there isn't anything real, that i am an island in the middle of the sea, like right now, and that the nice moments in life are little treasures to save and remenber. I am fine. And i have faith for the future, for more stories to come and tales to tell. Thanks for everything, people. You are great :-)
