I don't wanna wake up so early

There is cold outside, mum. There is a world outside, a world made of streets, of roads, of grey buildings and windows and couples and cakes and make up and horns and noises. I don't wanna wake up so early. There is cold outside and here everything is warm, everything is silence, everything is peace. I can simply stay in the blankets, dreaming, feeling my body warm and confortable. Safe.

But we are not made for it. Time goes by and it comes a moment when you simply have to get up and front the world. Have a shower, clean your thoughts. Come to the internet, take a map and decide where do you want to go as you eat your breakfast. Continue the struggle. There may be no rainbow at the end of the road but... who cares ? There are many interesting things, places, moment to live and to share and to enjoy. Stories waiting to be told and mates with the ones you can share a moment, a night, a life. We will see. But right now and right here, i have the bitter taste of Sofia snow in my mouth. And i feel like in heaven :-)

Back to bulgaria

Yesterday i was on duty in the middle time, from 00:00 to 04:00. I was sitted in the pilot's chair, controling that the ship doesn't move so much from a line draw in the map, and thinking. I had a good new. Hristi said me that she will try meeting me if i go bulgaria in christmas holidays.
It may be a nice time. I watched some pictures of Hristi and thought that she looked a bit sad now a days. I was driving and remenber the old times when i chatted with her, a little teenager in an unknown land. I remenber she telling me that wanted to learn spanish, and that her father, a mariner, brought him magazines and books from Spain. I always found it so lovely and romantic, that father in a foreign land looking for gifts to his daughter. As a guy without father, i recognaised me a bit jealous and happy for her.
Maybe that was the time when i connected so emotionally with her. Other maybe it was another thing. Sometimes i feel that i need to feel something so intense for people, the way i can feel myself alive. At this time i was younger and more inocent, but remenber having quite deep feelings for her. No idea what kind of feelings, but strong ones for sure.
And i haven't ever meet her eye to eye. But she gave me an excuse to go Bulgaria again, more than meeting Martin and eating/drinking boza, more than going with Nora to a metal pub and drink some beer. It's curious. Sometimes i think that it's important to me imagine that i matter to someone, no matter who. Sounds a bit selfish and stupid, but it's this way. As they are people who worth my feelings, i need them to care about me.
That's why i am so lucky these days. I have known many great people and i feel that i can have support just asking. Maybe support from the opposite side of the world, but great support after all.
So i will try coming back to Bulgaria. To feel disappointed and remenber myself that there isn't anything real, that i am an island in the middle of the sea, like right now, and that the nice moments in life are little treasures to save and remenber. I am fine. And i have faith for the future, for more stories to come and tales to tell. Thanks for everything, people. You are great :-)

Homeless

Inna use to call me that, mocking me about the way i wear. It's interesting, as i don't care so much about my aspect. I care about my image, wich is a different way. I like to wear as the character that i am performing this day, but not as i should look in a " conventional " meaning. Have my own scale of values.

The curious thing is that, as i were coming back driving, i thought in Luis and how he became part of the city. He accepted some " rules " and " beliefs " and " traditions ". Everything about join the tribe. I didn't do it so far and that's why i am... homeless. The curious thing is that it's something common in my family. Here is my cousin, who went to Galicia to the military school and it's quite confortable there. His younger brother is working and living in Italy and haven't lived in Cádiz during more than the last ten years. And he is confortable. My grandparents came from Galicia and, someway, they showed us that the home is the family.
But i have no family, just people who i respect and feel some confidence about. To me, the family was the enterprise developed to take care of my bro, and when my bro disappeared the enterprise had no more sense. So here i am, waiting for the next step... to become even more homeless.

It's not a bad feeling. You have lot of freedom and space to create your own rules, beliefs and traditions. To make your own world and invite there the people that you want to join. And hat's a good thing, only that's a lot of work and sometimes it's tiring other makes you feel isolated... but that's no problem, if you have the right attitude :-) Anyway, it's curious how a word used in mocking became so real to me. Coincidation ? Sometimes true appear in front of us and we don't even recognaise it. Great hit, lovely Inna :-) Bye bye.

Farewell, my friends

It has been a pleasure to stay beside you for this stage. It's what happens in life and sometimes it's so complicated to understand... that we are but falling leaves, just an step in a quite long stairway that comes from somewhere to nowhere. And in the middle of our trip there will be mates, brothers, sisters, people who love us and people who don't. People who teach us and people who take things for us.
And everybody of this incredible amount of people won't be in a queue, so they will be coming and going. What comes around goes around, and everything let a little of themselves, as we do it. Energy flows, in one direction and another.
But it's so complicated to understand. We have fear. Fear to forget, fear to be alone, fear to don't be loved. We are afraid even of ourselves, of shadows made from our light. It's our destiny.
No way. I won't allow it. I am so happy for have had you in my life. It's what i said to my brother and what i still think. Cause he hasn't gone at all, he is with me sometimes and... i am happy because of it. Like some of you, even in the shape of remenberings, are part of my life.

Tonight i dream with R. I dreamt that she told me that had a B+, when many other girls have had A. But i know it's a false dream, cause the mole girl will have amazing marks and i am so proud of her. As i am proud of everybody of you, my friends, who make my life a better place. Thanks a lot. I miss you, but i still wish. Farewell.

The heart surrenders

Onrack spoke " Monok Ochem, you have travelled far from the mortal you once were, so far as to forget a host of truths, both pleasent and unpleasent. The heart is never given other nor stolen. It surrenders "

This is a text from House of Chains, fourth novel of the Malazan serie. The title is quite exactly this time, as most of the book speaks of our relations with each other, how they tie us and force to do things that we may other may not like to. It's an interesting theme. What part of our will is compromised when we phone a friend who has phoned us before ? How volunteer is a " me too " when someone says you " i love you " ? It's complicated to say, cause sometimes to be more free means to be ignoring other one's feelings, wich is cruelty. Has to be always this way ? That comes to the theme of things good other bad. I don't agree at all with that separation in black and white colours.

I am sorry guys, but now i let you wanting more. It's my time to leave, but just want you to think a moment about that phrase. The heart surrenders.

I wanna come back to Bulgaria

Sounds weird, isn't it ? Sofia is a dark city with dark people and dark places and... well, you catch the idea. But i had so amazing times there. And i just discovered a little bit of it. I miss Raya, her sharp sense of humour, her inteligence and her sensitive. But i also miss other things. I miss the churches where i used to walk, the yellow brick road to Budapest. I miss Radi and her rainbow-soul, the park with the pictures, the hostel and Rali... and want to discover many new things. Veliko Tarnovo and it's castle, Nora and her smart sense of humour, Hristi and her embraces by internet, the beach of Bourgas, the misterious train... it's what i didn't discovered in Sofia. I went by metro, by tranvia, by bus, by... and always with someone beside me, wich smile was light.
So, let's wait. More places will come, more people, more adventures. Let's go for it !

What comes around, goes around

I love this expresion. It means many things to me, something like an Ouroboros make words. The world with it's rythim, the waves that moves and everything that comes to you different, but also the same. To me this expresion means freedom, open your mind and... live.
I am listening to Eyes burn again. Really love that band, so much energy. But also i have listened Los Suaves today in the morning, cause i feel a bit of sadness, deep inside me. Los Suaves is an spanish band from the north and to me has always been a band of rainy days. I feel like raining inside me, cause someone has passed of being part of my life, a bit inside and a bit out, to be definetively past.
And i am thinking, what happens when people comes and goes ? Since i was a teenager i have known many amazing people knowing that our meeting it's just this, a point in the big space of a full life, a so big story filled with little special moments. Maybe we never see again that person who made us laugh so much, maybe we won't see another sunset at the beach with friends, maybe...
But who cares ? Life is what we live. We save this moment with us, in our luggage. I don't remenber who said me that he(she) has too much luggage in life, and that weight makes difficult to move. I don't think it should be this way. Our luggage should be something that we enjoy, that makes us smile when the time is right and also help us to break crying when the tears are so dry. So, why worry ? Don't live in your past, but don't forget it too. Simply be, like an arrow who flies from the past to the future, enjoying the trip as the speed rises.

Keep smiling, people. Don't let the sadness embrace you too long