Weird lonely nights

A couple of days ago something weird happened. A girl offered her to have sex with me for money. That's not so weird, after all people need a way for a living. The curious thing was that I actually considered paying for it. She wasn't incredible hot, but enough, and she was kind and serious. I had a prejudice against paying for sex but... why that prejudice? Probably because it's something new. Anyway in the dark nights coming, while the alleys sounds with the blues of my lonely steps and the boots urge me with echos of my past, the ghost that walks beside me won't make my bed roar. I will continue walking alone, with not even a single embrace to hold so... why not considering options? Why not open my mind?
As the flesh market it's just another kind of market, after all. And even the most private confidences and touches can be changed for some money.

Girls who cook cakes on sundays

It was christmas in Istambul and I was seated beside the Bosphorus Strait, enjoying of the winter sun with one of the most beautifull woman I have ever known beside me. She was a friend in the far and for many times we spoke about our lifes, our dreams, our hopes and our struggles by the internet. And suddenly, when we had lost hope there we were, sharing the sun and the sea and the seagulls and the ships and a bank.
I don't know why, but I opened my heart. I told her all about me. About my sadness, my loneliness, my missing. About how I tried to face life like nothing happened. I opened a tear in my armour and leat her come in, to the place where I was more fragile than anywhere.
And she didn't take it. She didn't get it. I was so shocked, further from simply disappointment. What was going on there ? It wasn't like she didn't speak english, but it was quite clear that we weren't sharing a language. We didn't comunicate.
Time passed and we did other things. And sunday afternoon we came back from a walk. She asked me, as it was quite call, if I wouldn't mind if she cooks some cakes. I was surprised - it's not my kind of thing -, and of course I am not the kind of people who says someone what to do and what not. Anyway as I have said, I was curious. So i asked.
- Do you use to do this on sunday evening ? Cook cakes ?
- If I am not going out with my boyfriend, yes. I find it relaxing.
And suddenly I saw it clear. There was our mistake. There was the lack of comunication. I don't need anyone to fulfill my life. I don't need anything to " relax " me. I want to live life and I want activities. Relax ? I don't have time to relax. I am hungry about life. Sometimes I want to rest, but this is just a breathe to gather energies for the next storm. That's why she couldn't understand me. We lived in different worlds. The world of the girls who cook cakes on sundays and the world of the girls who wouldn't ever cook cakes on sundays, cause they are so busy doing many other things.

Today I remenbered this story and I told it to a friend of me, Charles. I don't know why, but when I finished he embraced me. That was great. Sometimes I feel me like an island, who lives an isolated life that drives to no conclusion, and any wisdom that I can save will be lost when I disappear. And then suddenly someone appears, listen to what you say and answers " Wow guy, I got you there ". And everything worths. It's like a light in the middle of the world, gives you a reason to keep on. I am happy because of it.
Last year I tried to be responsible. I tried to be a good guy. I tried to be a guy-who-cook-cakes. But then Rabanal saved of myself and showed me that doesn't matter what you try, you are what you are and there is no reason to change it. Simply enjoy of yourself and be the best posible version of you. That's the amazing lesson he taught me, and that's what I want to share with you. Doesn't matter if you are a girl who cook cakes other not. Simply be happy of being yourself.

Art Hostel

When i was a child, i used to watch " Fraggle rock ". Overall i remenber the music, but also the surprise of the colours and the movement and the stories. I remenber the character of " uncle something " who sent postcards with adventures from all around the world and the people sharing stories, that idea of a group that it's at the same time part of the scenery and something that moves, coming and going.
Well, Art Hostel - we use to spend our time in the garden, in Sofia, it's my Fraggle rock. Like most of the good things in life i discovered it by coincidence. Bulgaria was " a hole in the world " in the words of a friend from czech and i never thought about it. But i met a girl from the internet there and she simply rocked so much. I was lost in my life and didn't know what to do so... why not trying ? Life can always surprise us. I looked for a cheap place in hostelworld and was enchanted. Appeared like good-mood place, not too posh so exactly opposite. The kind of place where you can listen reggae while speaking about music, art other life. I liked it.

It has been three times there. The bulgarian girl is history, as all the things that drove me to Bulgaria in the first time. Instead i have learn a lot about life, about happyness, about how to take decitions and selfsteen. Like Fraggle rock, Art Hostel is a place where you meet interesting people and learn about spirituality, prejudice, environment, personal identity and social conflict ( it's not mine, i copied it from wikipedia-fraggle rock ). Also is a place where you discover new music, new paintings, new cinema, new art. But it's not the art that tries to break out and hit the world and become rich and famous, not. It's the kind of art that ask permision to sit beside you, then askes " where are you from, man ? " and, while drinking a beer, begin talking and sharing and living. It's art in the garden.

About me ? I keep wandering. And wondering. Life is so easy when you take a book with you, a smile in the backpack and a lot of pictures in your heart. And a lot of friends and interesting people with you. This last time when i came into the hostel i met Boris. I am not so sure who is him in the family of the place, but he said me something that it impressed me. " This place is not for everyone ". That's true. I think it's exactly what happens with me. I am not for everyone. But as the hostel, i feel like i am opened to the world. You can try. Maybe you like other maybe not but... well, it's a magical place. So why not taking a look on it ? A place where gathers people from the city and from the world can't be bad at all, can it ?

Mediapunta

Hoy me he dado cuenta de algo curioso. Mi problema es que me gusta moverme entre líneas. Me gusta ser positivo y negativo, según me apetezca. Quizás por eso es tan difícil encontrar una chica que me mantenga el ritmo y con la que me sienta comodo. O las intimido o me intimidan, o las aburro o me aburren, o las abrumo o me abruman. No hay punto intermedio. Quizás ese es el problema y quizás por eso casi todas mis historias son extranjeras. Porque juego al despiste, regateo, me pierdo y luego, de repente, aparezco y parece que todo me quede chico y atraviese el aire.
Por eso quizás me gustan las chicas con novio. Los desafios inquietantes. Esa gente que sé que nunca podré tener y me da igual. Por la busqueda del más difícil todavía, por el constante desafio a mi ingenio, a mi sentido del absurdo, a la diversión. Decía Alina que le encanta mis ansias de vivir. ¿ Y como no ? Si la vida es maravillosa. Es un juego, una aventura, un imposible. Como decía el video de sita Silvia " the world is saved ". Que me encanta, por cierto. ¡ A seguir disfrutando ! No preocuparse del mañana más que para calcular el próximo paso. Y por dios, sonreid. Decía Bob Marley que no puedes vivir de esta forma negativa, haz sitio para lo positivo. A por ello !

Chinese cookie wisdom

The clasic ones said that Caesar wife don't have to be decent, so also look like. One day i spoke with Mrs Carol about a brilliant comment a girl said to me, and Carol tagged it as " chinese cookie wisdom ". That is, a comment that she read other listened somewhere, liked and repeated it without deep inside it other add something of her own.
It's not the first time that i make a mistake, and it won't be the last one. It's easy to delight me. Sometimes i imagine watching the sun, when what i see is the moon reflected in a pool. That's why i took a serie of quotes as deepness and a tone of conversation as it's respective atittude toward life. And it has nothing to be.
In another time, when people lived for and by their ideologies, there was a huge difference between those who were followers of a doctrine and those who lived it. It's the same with religions. Sometime i have said that, when many people can wear an uniform, so few of them can live practicing what it preach. It ask for a constant effort of deny of own identity and adaptation, fusion. It's like a good couple, who changes you without deleting you. But it's a constant and very hard struggle.
The other day Silvia made me quite a hard question. What have you seen in that person ? And thinking with perspective, i think that it's probably that i saw the moon reflected in a pool. When i was still young and impresionable ( about fifteen years old ), i said to Mr Damian that in a couple, half of the virtues we see there aren't anything more than the projection of our needs. We hope that person to be strong and we see strength, out of case if there is other there isn't. It's our need what makes us weak. Indeed the more we experience, grow, learn... we keep falling. Maybe it's time to break the circle. Don't you think so ? And let the chinese cookie wisdom for it's time and place. During desserts, while we joke with a person that can share without fear.

Farewells

Well, shit happens. Sometimes people pass for your life just as a phase of it. Sometimes it's you the one who is a piece of someone's live. This travel has showed me one more time that you cannot plan things too much, cause life always find a way to destroy your plans.
And that's a good lesson.Life isn't supposed to be easy. As i told yesterday to Ivan, life is supposed to be a road that teaches us things. We life to learn, to suffer and to enjoy. Not always in this order, for sure, but all things are related. There cannot be joy without suffering, as it cannot be darkness without light. In contrast we find sense, and maybe that's why i always like so much to be with different kinds of people.

This travel i have learnt so many things, about me and about my inner world. I have also learn a lot about how i relate with people, what do i want and how do i want it. And what to do when i don't have it. I have lost many " friends ". As i said to Korytko, probably i didn't even meet a
friend in all the trips. Excepting Estefi, but Estefi was at the end of the road. There were many
" posible friends " during the way. When i met Elena in Greece, i discovered someone who could be a friend. A pity that she spoiled it during this last trip. But i thought maybe i could find someone with the group of reliability, inteligence, sense of humour, mental flexibility and curiosity to be a nice friend of me.
Well, nothing to do. I've meet friend. I have meet really cool people. Nora it's amazing. Jelly... jelly rocks too much, she is so funny and great. The friends of Jelly are quite good people too, and Martin was like a mommy to me. I have enjoyed so much of the people and of the experience, but i have so empty pockets as i had. And i am tired of look for coins in the ground. Elena said me once that, recognaised by me other not, i am a great guy. Deniz, who appeared to disappear, like a ghost in the fog, ordered me to never speak bad of myself again. And i will do as they say. I will improve myself and be the best posible version of myself.
And that include a lots of farewells. As we have to learn enjoying the desilusions and the botches, we also have to learn how to enjoy farewells. Make it short and nice, to can remenber it with an smile. The first farewell of this year was to Raya. She sent me a mail so polite and nice about it, and i answered her the same way. A little bit more kind, but it's the teddy bear inside me who spoke. Anyway i am what i am and i enjoy being myself a lot. I like the person that i am, really.

Anyway it's not going to be the last farewell. There are farewells that we don't show. Simply we say bye to someone in our heart and this person vanishes of our life, step after step, even when he phisically stays in front of us. More ghost. The teenager wrote an article speaking of zombis, people who live with us but don't have a proper brain and don't use it. I prefer to speak of ghost. People who live with us but don't have a phisical projection, they are simply ideas in our mind. We can touch, but it's like trespassing then and there is no flesh to contact with. So here we are, cold and isolated, surrounded of ghost who offers us....
Nothing.

So please, farewell my friends. I hope that i offered something interested for you. Maybe the theater it's about to close and other stories will be told in other places... but like Blind Guardian sang " the bard songs will remain ". Bye bye

I don't wanna wake up so early

There is cold outside, mum. There is a world outside, a world made of streets, of roads, of grey buildings and windows and couples and cakes and make up and horns and noises. I don't wanna wake up so early. There is cold outside and here everything is warm, everything is silence, everything is peace. I can simply stay in the blankets, dreaming, feeling my body warm and confortable. Safe.

But we are not made for it. Time goes by and it comes a moment when you simply have to get up and front the world. Have a shower, clean your thoughts. Come to the internet, take a map and decide where do you want to go as you eat your breakfast. Continue the struggle. There may be no rainbow at the end of the road but... who cares ? There are many interesting things, places, moment to live and to share and to enjoy. Stories waiting to be told and mates with the ones you can share a moment, a night, a life. We will see. But right now and right here, i have the bitter taste of Sofia snow in my mouth. And i feel like in heaven :-)