Never say never

It's imposible to avoid it. You pass across life, so sure of yourself and how you drive. There is music, a nice place... everything looks easy to you, no real worries in the horizon.
And then, zas ! A lighting falls in front of you and the world changes. Your skin burns, your eyes shine. All looks in a different colour, your ears bleed, you lost conection to reality. You are an island and you don't know what's happening, just that you cannot know what is it and you just simply round this idea, one time, another time, another time...
I have get my head out of the water and i am breathing again. I can see. The world has changed, there is something that a time ago it was imposible to exist. Was it ? Really ? I don't know. Yesterday someone said me something so crazy, but i think that i believe it too. Maybe this was to happen, i knew and i feel it, but i simply couldn't believe it.

Yesterday a lightning fell in my life and i don't know what to say. During hours i spoke of life, of religion, of family, of struggle, of art, of science, of work. To put you an example of how was the conversation, this was a phrase from me that i really liked it
" People cannot put shape, other colour, other taste to love. No rules, no limits. Art is what makes us human, love is what make us worth to be human. "

What the hell is going on ? Where is that cinic, evil, lonely man who says " arrr " and smile ? . It may be truth that all this was there ? The last time that creature inside me appeared i was in Sofia, progresively getting drunken and speaking with an incredible waitress. Now i am in a shore, in the middle of nowhere and i want to learn russian, want to go swimming, want to...
I want to fly. And i am afraid that, if someone says me i can, i would believe it.

But every dream comes to an end and everything that begin has to finish. Why ? Cause this is the way to enjoy things, knowing that the bless of today will be payed tomorrow. But i am not afraid for the prize. It worth it. Every single moment of life is wonderfull this way, so brighting, with my bleeding ears and my scared heart.
It's a shock. A lightning. It will pass, but right now... i need a rest and a forget of myself. I need to get lost inside myself and see what i meet there. I need silence.

Who am i ?

I am reading so many things now a days, as i am a bit bored and don't have many things to do. There was a time, not so much ago, when i was a vector: direction, adress and purpose. All my mind, soul and body was dedicated to achieve something and i felt me wonderfull. I felt me... plenty. Never got so much of myself as when i am obsesed with something, and never get so little of me. And as the task finished, done other undone, i feel me quite lost and empty.
Today i read this text and really liked. And that's why it appears in this blog of me.
" You dream that with memories will come knowledge, and from knowledge understanding.
But for every answer you find a new thousand questions rise. All that we were led us to where we are, but tells us little of where we're going. Memories are a weight you never shrug off. "

An interesting text. And a confusing one. I am but myself again... really ? I feel me like having a second teenager time. I am strong, learning a lot, discovering the world and myself... and at the same time i am so confused. There are two themes that fascinates me, sex and death. Tipical themes of teenagers, if you mind. But at the same time i am almost 30 and have lived so many things, i am not an unexperienced person trying to reach it's limits. I know where they are and i play with them, with menace, patience but also a risky look. It's like one of the many characters that compose my personality, other maybe two, are taking the lead of the common ship for a time and asking for atention. I feel me so identified with " mutter " song from Rammstein. That feeling of loneliness, of... hunger for love. And at the same time, i smile. Cause every sunrise it's a wonder in itself and the world is a big apple waiting for me to bite it. So, what will lead me life ? Can my memories of what i am, of what i was, and what i could be bring me knowledge ? And could someone ever understand me, when not even me does it ?
Time will show. But today... today i just wanna be. Have great times and, eh, thanks to Luis for standing up by me even when i am a toothpain like now :-)
And a last note. I miss my helly friend. Remenbering... always remenbering

Ale ( not prosi. Not now ).