Homeless

Inna use to call me that, mocking me about the way i wear. It's interesting, as i don't care so much about my aspect. I care about my image, wich is a different way. I like to wear as the character that i am performing this day, but not as i should look in a " conventional " meaning. Have my own scale of values.

The curious thing is that, as i were coming back driving, i thought in Luis and how he became part of the city. He accepted some " rules " and " beliefs " and " traditions ". Everything about join the tribe. I didn't do it so far and that's why i am... homeless. The curious thing is that it's something common in my family. Here is my cousin, who went to Galicia to the military school and it's quite confortable there. His younger brother is working and living in Italy and haven't lived in Cádiz during more than the last ten years. And he is confortable. My grandparents came from Galicia and, someway, they showed us that the home is the family.
But i have no family, just people who i respect and feel some confidence about. To me, the family was the enterprise developed to take care of my bro, and when my bro disappeared the enterprise had no more sense. So here i am, waiting for the next step... to become even more homeless.

It's not a bad feeling. You have lot of freedom and space to create your own rules, beliefs and traditions. To make your own world and invite there the people that you want to join. And hat's a good thing, only that's a lot of work and sometimes it's tiring other makes you feel isolated... but that's no problem, if you have the right attitude :-) Anyway, it's curious how a word used in mocking became so real to me. Coincidation ? Sometimes true appear in front of us and we don't even recognaise it. Great hit, lovely Inna :-) Bye bye.

Farewell, my friends

It has been a pleasure to stay beside you for this stage. It's what happens in life and sometimes it's so complicated to understand... that we are but falling leaves, just an step in a quite long stairway that comes from somewhere to nowhere. And in the middle of our trip there will be mates, brothers, sisters, people who love us and people who don't. People who teach us and people who take things for us.
And everybody of this incredible amount of people won't be in a queue, so they will be coming and going. What comes around goes around, and everything let a little of themselves, as we do it. Energy flows, in one direction and another.
But it's so complicated to understand. We have fear. Fear to forget, fear to be alone, fear to don't be loved. We are afraid even of ourselves, of shadows made from our light. It's our destiny.
No way. I won't allow it. I am so happy for have had you in my life. It's what i said to my brother and what i still think. Cause he hasn't gone at all, he is with me sometimes and... i am happy because of it. Like some of you, even in the shape of remenberings, are part of my life.

Tonight i dream with R. I dreamt that she told me that had a B+, when many other girls have had A. But i know it's a false dream, cause the mole girl will have amazing marks and i am so proud of her. As i am proud of everybody of you, my friends, who make my life a better place. Thanks a lot. I miss you, but i still wish. Farewell.

The heart surrenders

Onrack spoke " Monok Ochem, you have travelled far from the mortal you once were, so far as to forget a host of truths, both pleasent and unpleasent. The heart is never given other nor stolen. It surrenders "

This is a text from House of Chains, fourth novel of the Malazan serie. The title is quite exactly this time, as most of the book speaks of our relations with each other, how they tie us and force to do things that we may other may not like to. It's an interesting theme. What part of our will is compromised when we phone a friend who has phoned us before ? How volunteer is a " me too " when someone says you " i love you " ? It's complicated to say, cause sometimes to be more free means to be ignoring other one's feelings, wich is cruelty. Has to be always this way ? That comes to the theme of things good other bad. I don't agree at all with that separation in black and white colours.

I am sorry guys, but now i let you wanting more. It's my time to leave, but just want you to think a moment about that phrase. The heart surrenders.

I wanna come back to Bulgaria

Sounds weird, isn't it ? Sofia is a dark city with dark people and dark places and... well, you catch the idea. But i had so amazing times there. And i just discovered a little bit of it. I miss Raya, her sharp sense of humour, her inteligence and her sensitive. But i also miss other things. I miss the churches where i used to walk, the yellow brick road to Budapest. I miss Radi and her rainbow-soul, the park with the pictures, the hostel and Rali... and want to discover many new things. Veliko Tarnovo and it's castle, Nora and her smart sense of humour, Hristi and her embraces by internet, the beach of Bourgas, the misterious train... it's what i didn't discovered in Sofia. I went by metro, by tranvia, by bus, by... and always with someone beside me, wich smile was light.
So, let's wait. More places will come, more people, more adventures. Let's go for it !

What comes around, goes around

I love this expresion. It means many things to me, something like an Ouroboros make words. The world with it's rythim, the waves that moves and everything that comes to you different, but also the same. To me this expresion means freedom, open your mind and... live.
I am listening to Eyes burn again. Really love that band, so much energy. But also i have listened Los Suaves today in the morning, cause i feel a bit of sadness, deep inside me. Los Suaves is an spanish band from the north and to me has always been a band of rainy days. I feel like raining inside me, cause someone has passed of being part of my life, a bit inside and a bit out, to be definetively past.
And i am thinking, what happens when people comes and goes ? Since i was a teenager i have known many amazing people knowing that our meeting it's just this, a point in the big space of a full life, a so big story filled with little special moments. Maybe we never see again that person who made us laugh so much, maybe we won't see another sunset at the beach with friends, maybe...
But who cares ? Life is what we live. We save this moment with us, in our luggage. I don't remenber who said me that he(she) has too much luggage in life, and that weight makes difficult to move. I don't think it should be this way. Our luggage should be something that we enjoy, that makes us smile when the time is right and also help us to break crying when the tears are so dry. So, why worry ? Don't live in your past, but don't forget it too. Simply be, like an arrow who flies from the past to the future, enjoying the trip as the speed rises.

Keep smiling, people. Don't let the sadness embrace you too long

Never say never

It's imposible to avoid it. You pass across life, so sure of yourself and how you drive. There is music, a nice place... everything looks easy to you, no real worries in the horizon.
And then, zas ! A lighting falls in front of you and the world changes. Your skin burns, your eyes shine. All looks in a different colour, your ears bleed, you lost conection to reality. You are an island and you don't know what's happening, just that you cannot know what is it and you just simply round this idea, one time, another time, another time...
I have get my head out of the water and i am breathing again. I can see. The world has changed, there is something that a time ago it was imposible to exist. Was it ? Really ? I don't know. Yesterday someone said me something so crazy, but i think that i believe it too. Maybe this was to happen, i knew and i feel it, but i simply couldn't believe it.

Yesterday a lightning fell in my life and i don't know what to say. During hours i spoke of life, of religion, of family, of struggle, of art, of science, of work. To put you an example of how was the conversation, this was a phrase from me that i really liked it
" People cannot put shape, other colour, other taste to love. No rules, no limits. Art is what makes us human, love is what make us worth to be human. "

What the hell is going on ? Where is that cinic, evil, lonely man who says " arrr " and smile ? . It may be truth that all this was there ? The last time that creature inside me appeared i was in Sofia, progresively getting drunken and speaking with an incredible waitress. Now i am in a shore, in the middle of nowhere and i want to learn russian, want to go swimming, want to...
I want to fly. And i am afraid that, if someone says me i can, i would believe it.

But every dream comes to an end and everything that begin has to finish. Why ? Cause this is the way to enjoy things, knowing that the bless of today will be payed tomorrow. But i am not afraid for the prize. It worth it. Every single moment of life is wonderfull this way, so brighting, with my bleeding ears and my scared heart.
It's a shock. A lightning. It will pass, but right now... i need a rest and a forget of myself. I need to get lost inside myself and see what i meet there. I need silence.

Who am i ?

I am reading so many things now a days, as i am a bit bored and don't have many things to do. There was a time, not so much ago, when i was a vector: direction, adress and purpose. All my mind, soul and body was dedicated to achieve something and i felt me wonderfull. I felt me... plenty. Never got so much of myself as when i am obsesed with something, and never get so little of me. And as the task finished, done other undone, i feel me quite lost and empty.
Today i read this text and really liked. And that's why it appears in this blog of me.
" You dream that with memories will come knowledge, and from knowledge understanding.
But for every answer you find a new thousand questions rise. All that we were led us to where we are, but tells us little of where we're going. Memories are a weight you never shrug off. "

An interesting text. And a confusing one. I am but myself again... really ? I feel me like having a second teenager time. I am strong, learning a lot, discovering the world and myself... and at the same time i am so confused. There are two themes that fascinates me, sex and death. Tipical themes of teenagers, if you mind. But at the same time i am almost 30 and have lived so many things, i am not an unexperienced person trying to reach it's limits. I know where they are and i play with them, with menace, patience but also a risky look. It's like one of the many characters that compose my personality, other maybe two, are taking the lead of the common ship for a time and asking for atention. I feel me so identified with " mutter " song from Rammstein. That feeling of loneliness, of... hunger for love. And at the same time, i smile. Cause every sunrise it's a wonder in itself and the world is a big apple waiting for me to bite it. So, what will lead me life ? Can my memories of what i am, of what i was, and what i could be bring me knowledge ? And could someone ever understand me, when not even me does it ?
Time will show. But today... today i just wanna be. Have great times and, eh, thanks to Luis for standing up by me even when i am a toothpain like now :-)
And a last note. I miss my helly friend. Remenbering... always remenbering

Ale ( not prosi. Not now ).