Sometimes i just want emptyness

There are sometimes when you cannot anymore. Other you don't want to can, cause it's easier and more confortable. There are times when put your boots on is a full world in itself, so you let it be.
You torture yourself. Begin about people. Everybody is having fun, making plans. Noone feels so down as me, so alone as me, so empty as me. It's ridiculous and you know as you think it, but you continue torturing yourself cause, in a perverted way, it makes you happy. You need to hurt someone and noone is easier to hurt than yourself. Why do you do that ? Cause you are weak and you are too proud to recognaise it. And for this time the life took you with your defences down. It's easier to torture yourself than simply recognaise that something hurted you.

It's what Raya calls a " girlie moment ". Other it's me who call it, who cares ? When i am in this mood i don't want to learn russian, don't want to travel, don't want to paint, don't want anything. I just become a vegetable who plays computer. Even chat is too much work for my vegetable brain.
But it doesn't plays. I am a dog, a sea dog, and as any dog i need kindness, good eating and exercise. As i had a lack of this three i become down, but soon i will put me on the move. I need to. A few boat, a few friends, a few sport, a few metal. Things that keep you on, that activates you and forces you to do something. I want to eat chinese food, i want to be full, and warm, and happy. I want to rest and laugh. Maybe a serie ? Maybe some comics ? Maybe something will heal me for what i have done to myself.

Anyway, tomorrow will be another day. Dream Theater sang it " wake another day, try a little harder, find another reason, to stay ". And this is what i will do. So keep on as you can and remenber, it's up to you. We are still on the fight

Ale

Raya is the guilty

So, here i am. Tonight i had some kind of magic in my life and here i am, ready to write it again. For the first time in... maybe a year ? I think almost, overall because Vicen saved me. But i think that it has been a loooong time since the last when i went to a concert and enjoyed so much. It's curious to say, but probably Angelus Apatrida is the only spanish " crude " metal band ( excepting Ktulu ) wich i really like. And tonight they broke it off in Cádiz :-) It was a great time and i felt myself so happy, so shining, so... so alive. We need metal :-)
In Prosiland i define myself with a lot of words, but i forgot to speak about metal there. No idea why. There is a lot of empty spaces in my life that i try to fill with anything that i can, and there are a lot of other things that i forgot that they are, and of course they do ! Curiously, tonight i missed Eva in the concert. I remenbered too late that i should told her about the concert and maybe she would come. But i miss so many things... and there is so few time to lost missing things. I just try my best and hope this is enough.
Tonight i confessed something to the crow girl. I haven't really love anyone since Jose isn't with me. I haven't truly hate something too. I think that i have gone too far in my germanation to pass over the pain and put some order and discipline into my life. Maybe i need a good amount of Brazil, but tonight as i was in the concert i began noticing somethings about the plan to Brazil that i didn't liked. And at the same time it atracted me so much. Why bad things are so interesting ? Aaahh, the temptation of evil.
Anyway, it's time to go sleeping. I will rest four hours and tomorrow work and lots of duties. Let's see how it goes ! Wish me luck, people. Here i am, and here will i come from time by time to bore you with stories, tales and nonsenses ( not necesarily in this order ). Have a great time ;-)

Ale