Sometimes i just want emptyness

There are sometimes when you cannot anymore. Other you don't want to can, cause it's easier and more confortable. There are times when put your boots on is a full world in itself, so you let it be.
You torture yourself. Begin about people. Everybody is having fun, making plans. Noone feels so down as me, so alone as me, so empty as me. It's ridiculous and you know as you think it, but you continue torturing yourself cause, in a perverted way, it makes you happy. You need to hurt someone and noone is easier to hurt than yourself. Why do you do that ? Cause you are weak and you are too proud to recognaise it. And for this time the life took you with your defences down. It's easier to torture yourself than simply recognaise that something hurted you.

It's what Raya calls a " girlie moment ". Other it's me who call it, who cares ? When i am in this mood i don't want to learn russian, don't want to travel, don't want to paint, don't want anything. I just become a vegetable who plays computer. Even chat is too much work for my vegetable brain.
But it doesn't plays. I am a dog, a sea dog, and as any dog i need kindness, good eating and exercise. As i had a lack of this three i become down, but soon i will put me on the move. I need to. A few boat, a few friends, a few sport, a few metal. Things that keep you on, that activates you and forces you to do something. I want to eat chinese food, i want to be full, and warm, and happy. I want to rest and laugh. Maybe a serie ? Maybe some comics ? Maybe something will heal me for what i have done to myself.

Anyway, tomorrow will be another day. Dream Theater sang it " wake another day, try a little harder, find another reason, to stay ". And this is what i will do. So keep on as you can and remenber, it's up to you. We are still on the fight

Ale