Mediapunta

Hoy me he dado cuenta de algo curioso. Mi problema es que me gusta moverme entre líneas. Me gusta ser positivo y negativo, según me apetezca. Quizás por eso es tan difícil encontrar una chica que me mantenga el ritmo y con la que me sienta comodo. O las intimido o me intimidan, o las aburro o me aburren, o las abrumo o me abruman. No hay punto intermedio. Quizás ese es el problema y quizás por eso casi todas mis historias son extranjeras. Porque juego al despiste, regateo, me pierdo y luego, de repente, aparezco y parece que todo me quede chico y atraviese el aire.
Por eso quizás me gustan las chicas con novio. Los desafios inquietantes. Esa gente que sé que nunca podré tener y me da igual. Por la busqueda del más difícil todavía, por el constante desafio a mi ingenio, a mi sentido del absurdo, a la diversión. Decía Alina que le encanta mis ansias de vivir. ¿ Y como no ? Si la vida es maravillosa. Es un juego, una aventura, un imposible. Como decía el video de sita Silvia " the world is saved ". Que me encanta, por cierto. ¡ A seguir disfrutando ! No preocuparse del mañana más que para calcular el próximo paso. Y por dios, sonreid. Decía Bob Marley que no puedes vivir de esta forma negativa, haz sitio para lo positivo. A por ello !

Chinese cookie wisdom

The clasic ones said that Caesar wife don't have to be decent, so also look like. One day i spoke with Mrs Carol about a brilliant comment a girl said to me, and Carol tagged it as " chinese cookie wisdom ". That is, a comment that she read other listened somewhere, liked and repeated it without deep inside it other add something of her own.
It's not the first time that i make a mistake, and it won't be the last one. It's easy to delight me. Sometimes i imagine watching the sun, when what i see is the moon reflected in a pool. That's why i took a serie of quotes as deepness and a tone of conversation as it's respective atittude toward life. And it has nothing to be.
In another time, when people lived for and by their ideologies, there was a huge difference between those who were followers of a doctrine and those who lived it. It's the same with religions. Sometime i have said that, when many people can wear an uniform, so few of them can live practicing what it preach. It ask for a constant effort of deny of own identity and adaptation, fusion. It's like a good couple, who changes you without deleting you. But it's a constant and very hard struggle.
The other day Silvia made me quite a hard question. What have you seen in that person ? And thinking with perspective, i think that it's probably that i saw the moon reflected in a pool. When i was still young and impresionable ( about fifteen years old ), i said to Mr Damian that in a couple, half of the virtues we see there aren't anything more than the projection of our needs. We hope that person to be strong and we see strength, out of case if there is other there isn't. It's our need what makes us weak. Indeed the more we experience, grow, learn... we keep falling. Maybe it's time to break the circle. Don't you think so ? And let the chinese cookie wisdom for it's time and place. During desserts, while we joke with a person that can share without fear.

Farewells

Well, shit happens. Sometimes people pass for your life just as a phase of it. Sometimes it's you the one who is a piece of someone's live. This travel has showed me one more time that you cannot plan things too much, cause life always find a way to destroy your plans.
And that's a good lesson.Life isn't supposed to be easy. As i told yesterday to Ivan, life is supposed to be a road that teaches us things. We life to learn, to suffer and to enjoy. Not always in this order, for sure, but all things are related. There cannot be joy without suffering, as it cannot be darkness without light. In contrast we find sense, and maybe that's why i always like so much to be with different kinds of people.

This travel i have learnt so many things, about me and about my inner world. I have also learn a lot about how i relate with people, what do i want and how do i want it. And what to do when i don't have it. I have lost many " friends ". As i said to Korytko, probably i didn't even meet a
friend in all the trips. Excepting Estefi, but Estefi was at the end of the road. There were many
" posible friends " during the way. When i met Elena in Greece, i discovered someone who could be a friend. A pity that she spoiled it during this last trip. But i thought maybe i could find someone with the group of reliability, inteligence, sense of humour, mental flexibility and curiosity to be a nice friend of me.
Well, nothing to do. I've meet friend. I have meet really cool people. Nora it's amazing. Jelly... jelly rocks too much, she is so funny and great. The friends of Jelly are quite good people too, and Martin was like a mommy to me. I have enjoyed so much of the people and of the experience, but i have so empty pockets as i had. And i am tired of look for coins in the ground. Elena said me once that, recognaised by me other not, i am a great guy. Deniz, who appeared to disappear, like a ghost in the fog, ordered me to never speak bad of myself again. And i will do as they say. I will improve myself and be the best posible version of myself.
And that include a lots of farewells. As we have to learn enjoying the desilusions and the botches, we also have to learn how to enjoy farewells. Make it short and nice, to can remenber it with an smile. The first farewell of this year was to Raya. She sent me a mail so polite and nice about it, and i answered her the same way. A little bit more kind, but it's the teddy bear inside me who spoke. Anyway i am what i am and i enjoy being myself a lot. I like the person that i am, really.

Anyway it's not going to be the last farewell. There are farewells that we don't show. Simply we say bye to someone in our heart and this person vanishes of our life, step after step, even when he phisically stays in front of us. More ghost. The teenager wrote an article speaking of zombis, people who live with us but don't have a proper brain and don't use it. I prefer to speak of ghost. People who live with us but don't have a phisical projection, they are simply ideas in our mind. We can touch, but it's like trespassing then and there is no flesh to contact with. So here we are, cold and isolated, surrounded of ghost who offers us....
Nothing.

So please, farewell my friends. I hope that i offered something interested for you. Maybe the theater it's about to close and other stories will be told in other places... but like Blind Guardian sang " the bard songs will remain ". Bye bye

I don't wanna wake up so early

There is cold outside, mum. There is a world outside, a world made of streets, of roads, of grey buildings and windows and couples and cakes and make up and horns and noises. I don't wanna wake up so early. There is cold outside and here everything is warm, everything is silence, everything is peace. I can simply stay in the blankets, dreaming, feeling my body warm and confortable. Safe.

But we are not made for it. Time goes by and it comes a moment when you simply have to get up and front the world. Have a shower, clean your thoughts. Come to the internet, take a map and decide where do you want to go as you eat your breakfast. Continue the struggle. There may be no rainbow at the end of the road but... who cares ? There are many interesting things, places, moment to live and to share and to enjoy. Stories waiting to be told and mates with the ones you can share a moment, a night, a life. We will see. But right now and right here, i have the bitter taste of Sofia snow in my mouth. And i feel like in heaven :-)

Back to bulgaria

Yesterday i was on duty in the middle time, from 00:00 to 04:00. I was sitted in the pilot's chair, controling that the ship doesn't move so much from a line draw in the map, and thinking. I had a good new. Hristi said me that she will try meeting me if i go bulgaria in christmas holidays.
It may be a nice time. I watched some pictures of Hristi and thought that she looked a bit sad now a days. I was driving and remenber the old times when i chatted with her, a little teenager in an unknown land. I remenber she telling me that wanted to learn spanish, and that her father, a mariner, brought him magazines and books from Spain. I always found it so lovely and romantic, that father in a foreign land looking for gifts to his daughter. As a guy without father, i recognaised me a bit jealous and happy for her.
Maybe that was the time when i connected so emotionally with her. Other maybe it was another thing. Sometimes i feel that i need to feel something so intense for people, the way i can feel myself alive. At this time i was younger and more inocent, but remenber having quite deep feelings for her. No idea what kind of feelings, but strong ones for sure.
And i haven't ever meet her eye to eye. But she gave me an excuse to go Bulgaria again, more than meeting Martin and eating/drinking boza, more than going with Nora to a metal pub and drink some beer. It's curious. Sometimes i think that it's important to me imagine that i matter to someone, no matter who. Sounds a bit selfish and stupid, but it's this way. As they are people who worth my feelings, i need them to care about me.
That's why i am so lucky these days. I have known many great people and i feel that i can have support just asking. Maybe support from the opposite side of the world, but great support after all.
So i will try coming back to Bulgaria. To feel disappointed and remenber myself that there isn't anything real, that i am an island in the middle of the sea, like right now, and that the nice moments in life are little treasures to save and remenber. I am fine. And i have faith for the future, for more stories to come and tales to tell. Thanks for everything, people. You are great :-)

Homeless

Inna use to call me that, mocking me about the way i wear. It's interesting, as i don't care so much about my aspect. I care about my image, wich is a different way. I like to wear as the character that i am performing this day, but not as i should look in a " conventional " meaning. Have my own scale of values.

The curious thing is that, as i were coming back driving, i thought in Luis and how he became part of the city. He accepted some " rules " and " beliefs " and " traditions ". Everything about join the tribe. I didn't do it so far and that's why i am... homeless. The curious thing is that it's something common in my family. Here is my cousin, who went to Galicia to the military school and it's quite confortable there. His younger brother is working and living in Italy and haven't lived in Cádiz during more than the last ten years. And he is confortable. My grandparents came from Galicia and, someway, they showed us that the home is the family.
But i have no family, just people who i respect and feel some confidence about. To me, the family was the enterprise developed to take care of my bro, and when my bro disappeared the enterprise had no more sense. So here i am, waiting for the next step... to become even more homeless.

It's not a bad feeling. You have lot of freedom and space to create your own rules, beliefs and traditions. To make your own world and invite there the people that you want to join. And hat's a good thing, only that's a lot of work and sometimes it's tiring other makes you feel isolated... but that's no problem, if you have the right attitude :-) Anyway, it's curious how a word used in mocking became so real to me. Coincidation ? Sometimes true appear in front of us and we don't even recognaise it. Great hit, lovely Inna :-) Bye bye.

Farewell, my friends

It has been a pleasure to stay beside you for this stage. It's what happens in life and sometimes it's so complicated to understand... that we are but falling leaves, just an step in a quite long stairway that comes from somewhere to nowhere. And in the middle of our trip there will be mates, brothers, sisters, people who love us and people who don't. People who teach us and people who take things for us.
And everybody of this incredible amount of people won't be in a queue, so they will be coming and going. What comes around goes around, and everything let a little of themselves, as we do it. Energy flows, in one direction and another.
But it's so complicated to understand. We have fear. Fear to forget, fear to be alone, fear to don't be loved. We are afraid even of ourselves, of shadows made from our light. It's our destiny.
No way. I won't allow it. I am so happy for have had you in my life. It's what i said to my brother and what i still think. Cause he hasn't gone at all, he is with me sometimes and... i am happy because of it. Like some of you, even in the shape of remenberings, are part of my life.

Tonight i dream with R. I dreamt that she told me that had a B+, when many other girls have had A. But i know it's a false dream, cause the mole girl will have amazing marks and i am so proud of her. As i am proud of everybody of you, my friends, who make my life a better place. Thanks a lot. I miss you, but i still wish. Farewell.