Are you ready... ?

This is new to me. Write fresher and easier in english than in spanish, cause i don't have a clear idea of where i am driving my mind to. Other more correctly, where is my mind driving me to.
I am supposed to be a cursed writter. Words are my clay, my tool, my toy. But i have no way to explain the things that has happened across my mind during this days.
Now i feel better. Calmer and more balanced than i have been in weeks. As i were trying to sleep, i made a mental note of the things that i have done during this four days in Bulgaria and it impressed me. I visited the mountains, watched some ortodoxian ceremonies and even participated in one, received my first Easter egg, walked across the center. Visited roman ruins, turkish ruins, medieval ruins and received so much story in the paper notes that Raya took with her. Travelled by bus, by metro, by trainway, by car, by flight. Went to a train station, walked during the night across the city, visited a huge park and walked in the woods. Knew amazing people, went to a folk-disco, became drank at the hostel. Visited a lot of museums, spoke about gossip, history, personal life... received a lot of emotional impresions, discovered facts of myself. Received gifts for my birthday, knew the family of Raya.
I think that the general balance of the travel is crazy. I lived several lifes in just four days. And the most of it i have to thank Raya. She took me by the hand as a children other, in her words, as an idiot ( ok, she said " i am an idiot, so i explain you the things as if were to me " ). Today i have just awake for the english exam, as i couldn't sleep ( nervousity and a kebab for dinner isn't a good combination for good sleeping ) and came here. To confess that i have took land in Spain again and i am a little bit free of " bulgarian fever ", enough objetive to balance the travel. And i am incredible happy of it.
About feelings... well, i have a necklace with the Pliska rosete in it over my chest. I read the story of it and became amazed, but it's not only because of it that i have. During somedays i had this weird feeling that i should give back all the good things i have received, but that's bad. Friendship and love are gifts from the heart, and what comes from the heart is unvaluable. It doesn't matter if it's a painted egg other a diamond ring, it's a good wish what it cost. So i have been gifted so much cause... cause i am a good person ? I suppose it. Anyway, i feel amazing and really thankfull for all that i have received, way too much to seize other to count, and just hope to worth it. A part of me suppose that i do it. Do you notice ? A word-artist without words. I am such a fool...
But a happy fool. Coming back to exams, to uniform, to Cadiz and to " real world ". But with a piece of another world inside my. Thanks. I am ready for the next fight. Time will show, but i have clear sight and strenght in my hand. And you have me.

I am losting my favourite skin

I have just arrived to Madrid and i am a little bit dizzy. I haven't sleep enough and i was worried about meeting Maria, with all this feeling of unreality that produces me listen spanish again as something usual and notice that there is no bulgarians all around.
I miss it someway. And i know i will miss it sometimes. It isn't like this feeling when came back from Greece, " what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas ". This is another thing. That evil woman... i had a list of the things that i am gonna miss of her. There crazy laughs, the shine of her eyes, the way she walks, the errres so strong that she pronounces. Her incredible skill to know what's the best for me even when i don't know. Her generousity. Yesterday we had a familiar lunch but it was just people of our age. I hadn't ever have such a good one, she is so kind and good for details... i am a disaster in all this things and it's something that envy. I laughed so much with her neurosis when i didn't waited where i was supposed to. I can't forget her for don't speak me clear, for wait until the very last moment to give me the only thing that i really needed, an embrace and the words " you don't know how much i am gonna miss you ". Probably it's a lie, but i needed to listen and i have come back with the idea that it has been too much. Everything. The places, the people, the things, the... i have lived a full life in four days. And now i am empty, weak, without skin that protects my feelings of everything and i just want to sleep and regenerate my armour. I don't know if we will ever meet, if we will keep friends as always other everything will be different... but now i don't want to think. I am just a little bit out of myself and want to rest and enjoy. Play videogames, read, lie in a sofa. And then back to life, i will try going this weekend to Tarifa to meet my friends, friday i have russian lesson, thursday there is an exam of english. And life goes and goes on, and i want to take pictures, smile and cry, and save this moments and names in my life forever: raya, martin, radi, toni, maria, ivan, aleksander nevski, national teatr, art hostel, bulevar vitosha, tranvai... and feelings, feelings, feelings, until i think that i cannot feel anymore. Thanks :-) For show me the hole that i have in my soul and, even when cannot fill it, be after Karen and Carol the ka that my soul needed. Thanks.

I didnt know i was so fucking down

It happens from time by time. You have a brake broken ( eh, that sounded funny someway ) but dont know until you have to stop. And then its so late to repair anything. And then you say the thipical "oh my, i am fucked up ". Other if you are in a hurry you say "oh gosh".

Raya hitted the bullseye perfectly with me. I am looking for something that she cannot give me. And the worst thing is that i putted her in a point that noone should be putted. Not, lets say the truth. This is so empathical for me and today i looked like the Prekaren Ale, that pity poor guy.

The worst thing is that i didnt know that i was so eagerly looking for something.

And what were i looking, more than the usual of any man ? I discovered in Greece that i were looking for something and i won't forget Elena for noticing it. Carol would have easier do it, but Carol is so busy for me now a days and that's a good thing.

I were looking for my brother. When i touched Raya's face i were looking for the smile he always gave me as a gift. I was looking for someone who loves me, who adores me. Who says me that i am unique in her/his life and that without me there would be no sense. I have been mistreated, oh baby i've been mistreated, as i were looking for love.

And what can i say ? I am childish. I just want to run away, to go sailing, to forget me in myself. Not any more travelling looking for my own, no more friends in the other corner of the world, no more conversations until sunset. I have discovered my ill, and there is no cure for it. It's a terminal disease, for sure, cause i am looking for a sense to my life. I cannot live of paying bills, discovering places, taking pictures, drinking things. I need something big, something special, something glorious. After all my cinism, i am a man of big causes and adventures. A poor devil.

And what can i say ? I want to run away. Raya is the best girl anyone could wish... she tried to make me stay tomorrow instead of going to Burgas, and she didn't know how to do it. She was too lovely... but she is a hurted person. She has enough love in herself to keep her in movement and less more... she cannot give what she hasn't. This is what happens with me. That i want something that she cannot give me, but what probably noone can. What a pity. Let's go sailing again. At least with the sea and with metal you know what you have: you will never ask them anything that they can give.

God bless you. It will be a loooong weekend and a sad birthday after all. Miss you so much, my brother of Las Palmas, Luis and everybody. Miss you with my heart

Ale

ready... fight !

Here we go ! Another week, another life. Let the light surround me, as Dream Theater sang. I will prepare the next trip, begin russian lesson, study something. Maybe play videogames ? Yeah ! Let's kill some bastards. I am on my way to fight another round and, another time like Dream Theater sang, " try another day ". Hell, i am so energized yet. That's cause i took a decition. Always when i beat the doubts i have a boost in my selfsteen.
It's curious. I spoke for several several hours in german and have just remenbered today the word that i were looking for. And it's quite a known word for me, " sehnsucht ". You know what i mean, the melancholy that you have for something that you can't have, but still wish it and probably had it. That's what i mean. I were saying that it's better to feel Sehnsucht than don't know what you are losting it. Sehnsucht is also something to enjoy, cause it means that you had been happy and you miss it cause it was good.
That's what i think about life in general. And that's what i am reordering myself. To pass over the delightnment feeling and simply enjoy, go the next step and make your regular life, with this little treasure of secret joy inside you. And then the storm begins and the sadness are all around and you ask yourself " why am i here ? ", look on it. It will be your reason to fight, your secret smile. And when you wake up in the morning and look at your mirror, smile. Cause this guy who looks you and you, pale bastard, share the secret of what you felt. And noone could take you this out. So, thanks a lot for everything ! And for the next fight, let's go !

Ale

I am delighted

And it's nothing that i can confess. There was sooo much time since the last conversation that i had with such this level of emotional intensity. It frightened me, to open myself this way to someone and receive the same and even more. There was moments in the conversation, when we spoke about the afterlife, about known someone from the internet, about the hability to addapt and the levels in a relationship... that i was like hipnotized. I didn't wanted it to finish. There was a moment when she said me what she looks inside me and, someway, i didn't found it wrong. Things that in another time and moment are wrong, there were magic. And this was the word she used, magic. I try to make a little miracle of my life everyday but... there are times when it simply happens and i don't know what to say.
I am still delighted. And that's fine, cause like with any dream i will awake soon, open my eyes and keep with it. It looks like i may have another fairytale in Greece and that afraids me, but at the same time i love it. Thanks a lot for everything, you crazy girl from the east. You rock a lot :-)

Ordering some mess in my mind

Let's go step after step. Yesterday i stayed most of the afternoon and evening in front of the computer, speaking foreign languages and... trying to be out of the world. I have thinking in all this of moving to another city. I have almost taken the decition but i want to move yet. Not wait so much more. And at the same time i keep busy with many open fronts, the opositions that i don't study, the sport that i don't do, the russian homework that i don't do... so much things.
And then it comes my private life. My mother looks like a teenager more and more for days. Yesterday she came home with a man that she had a relationship with. He went away cause he was afraid of my brother and i cannot forget this. I can forget almost anything, but my bro no. I am fully irrational with this, and i am proud of it. So i will have to take my mother and speak to her, and say her that it's this man other me. A funny thing.
And not the only one. Yesterday my little german sis was online and we chatted about two hours by skype, as we could cause the conection was bad. She is in some evil town of Germany, making an english course with people from all armies. She is so cool and funny as always, such a little mrs sunshine in my life. She has been disappeared as she has a boyfriend, as i guessed, and she has bought a new car of about 40.000 that she will be paying for the next ten years. And it made me feel more closed. I didn't wanted to speak much more. She was so down cause his dog died, because she never lost a close familiar and she has been 15 years with this dog. And to me it was like... hell. How can i relationate with people who hasn't been so much endured as me for life ? In this moment of my life i have no patience for people who i think that aren't really usefull for me, in emotional, intelectual other any other way. I felt me so old compared with my little sister, who is just eighteen... we spoke about meeting us in summer again and i would like, but... i don't feel so good about it.
And then we speak about women. For several months i have been by my own, without knowing anyone who interests me excepting the crow girl and we remenber how that finished. And now it looks like i am being engaged into something bigger than i can manage. And at the same time, there is another girl who i feel so fine toward her. I don't want anything but... it's hard to don't play when all you have is fun. She is in kiev and there is nothing to make there, but i like making jokes with her and this is taken time that i need for the " main " one. And just yesterday the ukrayne girl told me that she has cancer. And i don't know how to react to it. It's nothing that should worry me but... it does it someway. And this to don't speak of the travel that i am planning for the next week, who is theorically a time of joy and happyness but as i am travelling with a friend i am worried about how will he be.
Uf... too much things. I have to play some videogames, make homework, forget the world. I just want to sleep a while.

Miss ya heaps, pals. Have great times, see you !
Ale