Weird lonely nights

A couple of days ago something weird happened. A girl offered her to have sex with me for money. That's not so weird, after all people need a way for a living. The curious thing was that I actually considered paying for it. She wasn't incredible hot, but enough, and she was kind and serious. I had a prejudice against paying for sex but... why that prejudice? Probably because it's something new. Anyway in the dark nights coming, while the alleys sounds with the blues of my lonely steps and the boots urge me with echos of my past, the ghost that walks beside me won't make my bed roar. I will continue walking alone, with not even a single embrace to hold so... why not considering options? Why not open my mind?
As the flesh market it's just another kind of market, after all. And even the most private confidences and touches can be changed for some money.

Girls who cook cakes on sundays

It was christmas in Istambul and I was seated beside the Bosphorus Strait, enjoying of the winter sun with one of the most beautifull woman I have ever known beside me. She was a friend in the far and for many times we spoke about our lifes, our dreams, our hopes and our struggles by the internet. And suddenly, when we had lost hope there we were, sharing the sun and the sea and the seagulls and the ships and a bank.
I don't know why, but I opened my heart. I told her all about me. About my sadness, my loneliness, my missing. About how I tried to face life like nothing happened. I opened a tear in my armour and leat her come in, to the place where I was more fragile than anywhere.
And she didn't take it. She didn't get it. I was so shocked, further from simply disappointment. What was going on there ? It wasn't like she didn't speak english, but it was quite clear that we weren't sharing a language. We didn't comunicate.
Time passed and we did other things. And sunday afternoon we came back from a walk. She asked me, as it was quite call, if I wouldn't mind if she cooks some cakes. I was surprised - it's not my kind of thing -, and of course I am not the kind of people who says someone what to do and what not. Anyway as I have said, I was curious. So i asked.
- Do you use to do this on sunday evening ? Cook cakes ?
- If I am not going out with my boyfriend, yes. I find it relaxing.
And suddenly I saw it clear. There was our mistake. There was the lack of comunication. I don't need anyone to fulfill my life. I don't need anything to " relax " me. I want to live life and I want activities. Relax ? I don't have time to relax. I am hungry about life. Sometimes I want to rest, but this is just a breathe to gather energies for the next storm. That's why she couldn't understand me. We lived in different worlds. The world of the girls who cook cakes on sundays and the world of the girls who wouldn't ever cook cakes on sundays, cause they are so busy doing many other things.

Today I remenbered this story and I told it to a friend of me, Charles. I don't know why, but when I finished he embraced me. That was great. Sometimes I feel me like an island, who lives an isolated life that drives to no conclusion, and any wisdom that I can save will be lost when I disappear. And then suddenly someone appears, listen to what you say and answers " Wow guy, I got you there ". And everything worths. It's like a light in the middle of the world, gives you a reason to keep on. I am happy because of it.
Last year I tried to be responsible. I tried to be a good guy. I tried to be a guy-who-cook-cakes. But then Rabanal saved of myself and showed me that doesn't matter what you try, you are what you are and there is no reason to change it. Simply enjoy of yourself and be the best posible version of you. That's the amazing lesson he taught me, and that's what I want to share with you. Doesn't matter if you are a girl who cook cakes other not. Simply be happy of being yourself.

Art Hostel

When i was a child, i used to watch " Fraggle rock ". Overall i remenber the music, but also the surprise of the colours and the movement and the stories. I remenber the character of " uncle something " who sent postcards with adventures from all around the world and the people sharing stories, that idea of a group that it's at the same time part of the scenery and something that moves, coming and going.
Well, Art Hostel - we use to spend our time in the garden, in Sofia, it's my Fraggle rock. Like most of the good things in life i discovered it by coincidence. Bulgaria was " a hole in the world " in the words of a friend from czech and i never thought about it. But i met a girl from the internet there and she simply rocked so much. I was lost in my life and didn't know what to do so... why not trying ? Life can always surprise us. I looked for a cheap place in hostelworld and was enchanted. Appeared like good-mood place, not too posh so exactly opposite. The kind of place where you can listen reggae while speaking about music, art other life. I liked it.

It has been three times there. The bulgarian girl is history, as all the things that drove me to Bulgaria in the first time. Instead i have learn a lot about life, about happyness, about how to take decitions and selfsteen. Like Fraggle rock, Art Hostel is a place where you meet interesting people and learn about spirituality, prejudice, environment, personal identity and social conflict ( it's not mine, i copied it from wikipedia-fraggle rock ). Also is a place where you discover new music, new paintings, new cinema, new art. But it's not the art that tries to break out and hit the world and become rich and famous, not. It's the kind of art that ask permision to sit beside you, then askes " where are you from, man ? " and, while drinking a beer, begin talking and sharing and living. It's art in the garden.

About me ? I keep wandering. And wondering. Life is so easy when you take a book with you, a smile in the backpack and a lot of pictures in your heart. And a lot of friends and interesting people with you. This last time when i came into the hostel i met Boris. I am not so sure who is him in the family of the place, but he said me something that it impressed me. " This place is not for everyone ". That's true. I think it's exactly what happens with me. I am not for everyone. But as the hostel, i feel like i am opened to the world. You can try. Maybe you like other maybe not but... well, it's a magical place. So why not taking a look on it ? A place where gathers people from the city and from the world can't be bad at all, can it ?

Mediapunta

Hoy me he dado cuenta de algo curioso. Mi problema es que me gusta moverme entre líneas. Me gusta ser positivo y negativo, según me apetezca. Quizás por eso es tan difícil encontrar una chica que me mantenga el ritmo y con la que me sienta comodo. O las intimido o me intimidan, o las aburro o me aburren, o las abrumo o me abruman. No hay punto intermedio. Quizás ese es el problema y quizás por eso casi todas mis historias son extranjeras. Porque juego al despiste, regateo, me pierdo y luego, de repente, aparezco y parece que todo me quede chico y atraviese el aire.
Por eso quizás me gustan las chicas con novio. Los desafios inquietantes. Esa gente que sé que nunca podré tener y me da igual. Por la busqueda del más difícil todavía, por el constante desafio a mi ingenio, a mi sentido del absurdo, a la diversión. Decía Alina que le encanta mis ansias de vivir. ¿ Y como no ? Si la vida es maravillosa. Es un juego, una aventura, un imposible. Como decía el video de sita Silvia " the world is saved ". Que me encanta, por cierto. ¡ A seguir disfrutando ! No preocuparse del mañana más que para calcular el próximo paso. Y por dios, sonreid. Decía Bob Marley que no puedes vivir de esta forma negativa, haz sitio para lo positivo. A por ello !

Chinese cookie wisdom

The clasic ones said that Caesar wife don't have to be decent, so also look like. One day i spoke with Mrs Carol about a brilliant comment a girl said to me, and Carol tagged it as " chinese cookie wisdom ". That is, a comment that she read other listened somewhere, liked and repeated it without deep inside it other add something of her own.
It's not the first time that i make a mistake, and it won't be the last one. It's easy to delight me. Sometimes i imagine watching the sun, when what i see is the moon reflected in a pool. That's why i took a serie of quotes as deepness and a tone of conversation as it's respective atittude toward life. And it has nothing to be.
In another time, when people lived for and by their ideologies, there was a huge difference between those who were followers of a doctrine and those who lived it. It's the same with religions. Sometime i have said that, when many people can wear an uniform, so few of them can live practicing what it preach. It ask for a constant effort of deny of own identity and adaptation, fusion. It's like a good couple, who changes you without deleting you. But it's a constant and very hard struggle.
The other day Silvia made me quite a hard question. What have you seen in that person ? And thinking with perspective, i think that it's probably that i saw the moon reflected in a pool. When i was still young and impresionable ( about fifteen years old ), i said to Mr Damian that in a couple, half of the virtues we see there aren't anything more than the projection of our needs. We hope that person to be strong and we see strength, out of case if there is other there isn't. It's our need what makes us weak. Indeed the more we experience, grow, learn... we keep falling. Maybe it's time to break the circle. Don't you think so ? And let the chinese cookie wisdom for it's time and place. During desserts, while we joke with a person that can share without fear.

Farewells

Well, shit happens. Sometimes people pass for your life just as a phase of it. Sometimes it's you the one who is a piece of someone's live. This travel has showed me one more time that you cannot plan things too much, cause life always find a way to destroy your plans.
And that's a good lesson.Life isn't supposed to be easy. As i told yesterday to Ivan, life is supposed to be a road that teaches us things. We life to learn, to suffer and to enjoy. Not always in this order, for sure, but all things are related. There cannot be joy without suffering, as it cannot be darkness without light. In contrast we find sense, and maybe that's why i always like so much to be with different kinds of people.

This travel i have learnt so many things, about me and about my inner world. I have also learn a lot about how i relate with people, what do i want and how do i want it. And what to do when i don't have it. I have lost many " friends ". As i said to Korytko, probably i didn't even meet a
friend in all the trips. Excepting Estefi, but Estefi was at the end of the road. There were many
" posible friends " during the way. When i met Elena in Greece, i discovered someone who could be a friend. A pity that she spoiled it during this last trip. But i thought maybe i could find someone with the group of reliability, inteligence, sense of humour, mental flexibility and curiosity to be a nice friend of me.
Well, nothing to do. I've meet friend. I have meet really cool people. Nora it's amazing. Jelly... jelly rocks too much, she is so funny and great. The friends of Jelly are quite good people too, and Martin was like a mommy to me. I have enjoyed so much of the people and of the experience, but i have so empty pockets as i had. And i am tired of look for coins in the ground. Elena said me once that, recognaised by me other not, i am a great guy. Deniz, who appeared to disappear, like a ghost in the fog, ordered me to never speak bad of myself again. And i will do as they say. I will improve myself and be the best posible version of myself.
And that include a lots of farewells. As we have to learn enjoying the desilusions and the botches, we also have to learn how to enjoy farewells. Make it short and nice, to can remenber it with an smile. The first farewell of this year was to Raya. She sent me a mail so polite and nice about it, and i answered her the same way. A little bit more kind, but it's the teddy bear inside me who spoke. Anyway i am what i am and i enjoy being myself a lot. I like the person that i am, really.

Anyway it's not going to be the last farewell. There are farewells that we don't show. Simply we say bye to someone in our heart and this person vanishes of our life, step after step, even when he phisically stays in front of us. More ghost. The teenager wrote an article speaking of zombis, people who live with us but don't have a proper brain and don't use it. I prefer to speak of ghost. People who live with us but don't have a phisical projection, they are simply ideas in our mind. We can touch, but it's like trespassing then and there is no flesh to contact with. So here we are, cold and isolated, surrounded of ghost who offers us....
Nothing.

So please, farewell my friends. I hope that i offered something interested for you. Maybe the theater it's about to close and other stories will be told in other places... but like Blind Guardian sang " the bard songs will remain ". Bye bye

I don't wanna wake up so early

There is cold outside, mum. There is a world outside, a world made of streets, of roads, of grey buildings and windows and couples and cakes and make up and horns and noises. I don't wanna wake up so early. There is cold outside and here everything is warm, everything is silence, everything is peace. I can simply stay in the blankets, dreaming, feeling my body warm and confortable. Safe.

But we are not made for it. Time goes by and it comes a moment when you simply have to get up and front the world. Have a shower, clean your thoughts. Come to the internet, take a map and decide where do you want to go as you eat your breakfast. Continue the struggle. There may be no rainbow at the end of the road but... who cares ? There are many interesting things, places, moment to live and to share and to enjoy. Stories waiting to be told and mates with the ones you can share a moment, a night, a life. We will see. But right now and right here, i have the bitter taste of Sofia snow in my mouth. And i feel like in heaven :-)

Back to bulgaria

Yesterday i was on duty in the middle time, from 00:00 to 04:00. I was sitted in the pilot's chair, controling that the ship doesn't move so much from a line draw in the map, and thinking. I had a good new. Hristi said me that she will try meeting me if i go bulgaria in christmas holidays.
It may be a nice time. I watched some pictures of Hristi and thought that she looked a bit sad now a days. I was driving and remenber the old times when i chatted with her, a little teenager in an unknown land. I remenber she telling me that wanted to learn spanish, and that her father, a mariner, brought him magazines and books from Spain. I always found it so lovely and romantic, that father in a foreign land looking for gifts to his daughter. As a guy without father, i recognaised me a bit jealous and happy for her.
Maybe that was the time when i connected so emotionally with her. Other maybe it was another thing. Sometimes i feel that i need to feel something so intense for people, the way i can feel myself alive. At this time i was younger and more inocent, but remenber having quite deep feelings for her. No idea what kind of feelings, but strong ones for sure.
And i haven't ever meet her eye to eye. But she gave me an excuse to go Bulgaria again, more than meeting Martin and eating/drinking boza, more than going with Nora to a metal pub and drink some beer. It's curious. Sometimes i think that it's important to me imagine that i matter to someone, no matter who. Sounds a bit selfish and stupid, but it's this way. As they are people who worth my feelings, i need them to care about me.
That's why i am so lucky these days. I have known many great people and i feel that i can have support just asking. Maybe support from the opposite side of the world, but great support after all.
So i will try coming back to Bulgaria. To feel disappointed and remenber myself that there isn't anything real, that i am an island in the middle of the sea, like right now, and that the nice moments in life are little treasures to save and remenber. I am fine. And i have faith for the future, for more stories to come and tales to tell. Thanks for everything, people. You are great :-)

Homeless

Inna use to call me that, mocking me about the way i wear. It's interesting, as i don't care so much about my aspect. I care about my image, wich is a different way. I like to wear as the character that i am performing this day, but not as i should look in a " conventional " meaning. Have my own scale of values.

The curious thing is that, as i were coming back driving, i thought in Luis and how he became part of the city. He accepted some " rules " and " beliefs " and " traditions ". Everything about join the tribe. I didn't do it so far and that's why i am... homeless. The curious thing is that it's something common in my family. Here is my cousin, who went to Galicia to the military school and it's quite confortable there. His younger brother is working and living in Italy and haven't lived in Cádiz during more than the last ten years. And he is confortable. My grandparents came from Galicia and, someway, they showed us that the home is the family.
But i have no family, just people who i respect and feel some confidence about. To me, the family was the enterprise developed to take care of my bro, and when my bro disappeared the enterprise had no more sense. So here i am, waiting for the next step... to become even more homeless.

It's not a bad feeling. You have lot of freedom and space to create your own rules, beliefs and traditions. To make your own world and invite there the people that you want to join. And hat's a good thing, only that's a lot of work and sometimes it's tiring other makes you feel isolated... but that's no problem, if you have the right attitude :-) Anyway, it's curious how a word used in mocking became so real to me. Coincidation ? Sometimes true appear in front of us and we don't even recognaise it. Great hit, lovely Inna :-) Bye bye.

Farewell, my friends

It has been a pleasure to stay beside you for this stage. It's what happens in life and sometimes it's so complicated to understand... that we are but falling leaves, just an step in a quite long stairway that comes from somewhere to nowhere. And in the middle of our trip there will be mates, brothers, sisters, people who love us and people who don't. People who teach us and people who take things for us.
And everybody of this incredible amount of people won't be in a queue, so they will be coming and going. What comes around goes around, and everything let a little of themselves, as we do it. Energy flows, in one direction and another.
But it's so complicated to understand. We have fear. Fear to forget, fear to be alone, fear to don't be loved. We are afraid even of ourselves, of shadows made from our light. It's our destiny.
No way. I won't allow it. I am so happy for have had you in my life. It's what i said to my brother and what i still think. Cause he hasn't gone at all, he is with me sometimes and... i am happy because of it. Like some of you, even in the shape of remenberings, are part of my life.

Tonight i dream with R. I dreamt that she told me that had a B+, when many other girls have had A. But i know it's a false dream, cause the mole girl will have amazing marks and i am so proud of her. As i am proud of everybody of you, my friends, who make my life a better place. Thanks a lot. I miss you, but i still wish. Farewell.

The heart surrenders

Onrack spoke " Monok Ochem, you have travelled far from the mortal you once were, so far as to forget a host of truths, both pleasent and unpleasent. The heart is never given other nor stolen. It surrenders "

This is a text from House of Chains, fourth novel of the Malazan serie. The title is quite exactly this time, as most of the book speaks of our relations with each other, how they tie us and force to do things that we may other may not like to. It's an interesting theme. What part of our will is compromised when we phone a friend who has phoned us before ? How volunteer is a " me too " when someone says you " i love you " ? It's complicated to say, cause sometimes to be more free means to be ignoring other one's feelings, wich is cruelty. Has to be always this way ? That comes to the theme of things good other bad. I don't agree at all with that separation in black and white colours.

I am sorry guys, but now i let you wanting more. It's my time to leave, but just want you to think a moment about that phrase. The heart surrenders.

I wanna come back to Bulgaria

Sounds weird, isn't it ? Sofia is a dark city with dark people and dark places and... well, you catch the idea. But i had so amazing times there. And i just discovered a little bit of it. I miss Raya, her sharp sense of humour, her inteligence and her sensitive. But i also miss other things. I miss the churches where i used to walk, the yellow brick road to Budapest. I miss Radi and her rainbow-soul, the park with the pictures, the hostel and Rali... and want to discover many new things. Veliko Tarnovo and it's castle, Nora and her smart sense of humour, Hristi and her embraces by internet, the beach of Bourgas, the misterious train... it's what i didn't discovered in Sofia. I went by metro, by tranvia, by bus, by... and always with someone beside me, wich smile was light.
So, let's wait. More places will come, more people, more adventures. Let's go for it !

What comes around, goes around

I love this expresion. It means many things to me, something like an Ouroboros make words. The world with it's rythim, the waves that moves and everything that comes to you different, but also the same. To me this expresion means freedom, open your mind and... live.
I am listening to Eyes burn again. Really love that band, so much energy. But also i have listened Los Suaves today in the morning, cause i feel a bit of sadness, deep inside me. Los Suaves is an spanish band from the north and to me has always been a band of rainy days. I feel like raining inside me, cause someone has passed of being part of my life, a bit inside and a bit out, to be definetively past.
And i am thinking, what happens when people comes and goes ? Since i was a teenager i have known many amazing people knowing that our meeting it's just this, a point in the big space of a full life, a so big story filled with little special moments. Maybe we never see again that person who made us laugh so much, maybe we won't see another sunset at the beach with friends, maybe...
But who cares ? Life is what we live. We save this moment with us, in our luggage. I don't remenber who said me that he(she) has too much luggage in life, and that weight makes difficult to move. I don't think it should be this way. Our luggage should be something that we enjoy, that makes us smile when the time is right and also help us to break crying when the tears are so dry. So, why worry ? Don't live in your past, but don't forget it too. Simply be, like an arrow who flies from the past to the future, enjoying the trip as the speed rises.

Keep smiling, people. Don't let the sadness embrace you too long

Never say never

It's imposible to avoid it. You pass across life, so sure of yourself and how you drive. There is music, a nice place... everything looks easy to you, no real worries in the horizon.
And then, zas ! A lighting falls in front of you and the world changes. Your skin burns, your eyes shine. All looks in a different colour, your ears bleed, you lost conection to reality. You are an island and you don't know what's happening, just that you cannot know what is it and you just simply round this idea, one time, another time, another time...
I have get my head out of the water and i am breathing again. I can see. The world has changed, there is something that a time ago it was imposible to exist. Was it ? Really ? I don't know. Yesterday someone said me something so crazy, but i think that i believe it too. Maybe this was to happen, i knew and i feel it, but i simply couldn't believe it.

Yesterday a lightning fell in my life and i don't know what to say. During hours i spoke of life, of religion, of family, of struggle, of art, of science, of work. To put you an example of how was the conversation, this was a phrase from me that i really liked it
" People cannot put shape, other colour, other taste to love. No rules, no limits. Art is what makes us human, love is what make us worth to be human. "

What the hell is going on ? Where is that cinic, evil, lonely man who says " arrr " and smile ? . It may be truth that all this was there ? The last time that creature inside me appeared i was in Sofia, progresively getting drunken and speaking with an incredible waitress. Now i am in a shore, in the middle of nowhere and i want to learn russian, want to go swimming, want to...
I want to fly. And i am afraid that, if someone says me i can, i would believe it.

But every dream comes to an end and everything that begin has to finish. Why ? Cause this is the way to enjoy things, knowing that the bless of today will be payed tomorrow. But i am not afraid for the prize. It worth it. Every single moment of life is wonderfull this way, so brighting, with my bleeding ears and my scared heart.
It's a shock. A lightning. It will pass, but right now... i need a rest and a forget of myself. I need to get lost inside myself and see what i meet there. I need silence.

Who am i ?

I am reading so many things now a days, as i am a bit bored and don't have many things to do. There was a time, not so much ago, when i was a vector: direction, adress and purpose. All my mind, soul and body was dedicated to achieve something and i felt me wonderfull. I felt me... plenty. Never got so much of myself as when i am obsesed with something, and never get so little of me. And as the task finished, done other undone, i feel me quite lost and empty.
Today i read this text and really liked. And that's why it appears in this blog of me.
" You dream that with memories will come knowledge, and from knowledge understanding.
But for every answer you find a new thousand questions rise. All that we were led us to where we are, but tells us little of where we're going. Memories are a weight you never shrug off. "

An interesting text. And a confusing one. I am but myself again... really ? I feel me like having a second teenager time. I am strong, learning a lot, discovering the world and myself... and at the same time i am so confused. There are two themes that fascinates me, sex and death. Tipical themes of teenagers, if you mind. But at the same time i am almost 30 and have lived so many things, i am not an unexperienced person trying to reach it's limits. I know where they are and i play with them, with menace, patience but also a risky look. It's like one of the many characters that compose my personality, other maybe two, are taking the lead of the common ship for a time and asking for atention. I feel me so identified with " mutter " song from Rammstein. That feeling of loneliness, of... hunger for love. And at the same time, i smile. Cause every sunrise it's a wonder in itself and the world is a big apple waiting for me to bite it. So, what will lead me life ? Can my memories of what i am, of what i was, and what i could be bring me knowledge ? And could someone ever understand me, when not even me does it ?
Time will show. But today... today i just wanna be. Have great times and, eh, thanks to Luis for standing up by me even when i am a toothpain like now :-)
And a last note. I miss my helly friend. Remenbering... always remenbering

Ale ( not prosi. Not now ).

Am i a fighter ?

Between the many gifts that Raya made me, one of the best was to know her friends. Between this, Radi is a little rainbow ( i don't care she is 1'80, i cannot think in her other way than like a child ) and she always encourage me. The last time when we spoke she told me that i was a fighter, a real one. No matter how hard everything comes, i always struggle. For real ? Maybe... there are times when i simply cannot any more and just want to pass over it. But even with that, i awoke today, went to the beach to sail and open my lungs and i have passed my health test. Now i head to the library to keep studying and prepare me for the other tests to come. On the fight !
It's curious. I have always that Pliska rousete with me. I don't think raya is so generous like she did with me... so that makes me feel so special. I am blessed. People from all around the world, with a little star inside then like in that Mario RPG game, come to me and share their light. Me, a dark creature who feed happyness, a social vampire... me, i am blessed with so many people making me a better one.
I said Radi that i was not generous with my bro. I helped him helping myself, as any good thing that is inside me is a reflex of the incredible creature that he was. Maybe i am not a fighter. Maybe it's you who make me this way. But... well, Radostina means " the one who brings joy ", Raya means " the one who comes from heaven " and Alejandro means " defender of men ". So, i have to play my role . Have a great day, guys. I try to be my best

Ale

Are you ready... ?

This is new to me. Write fresher and easier in english than in spanish, cause i don't have a clear idea of where i am driving my mind to. Other more correctly, where is my mind driving me to.
I am supposed to be a cursed writter. Words are my clay, my tool, my toy. But i have no way to explain the things that has happened across my mind during this days.
Now i feel better. Calmer and more balanced than i have been in weeks. As i were trying to sleep, i made a mental note of the things that i have done during this four days in Bulgaria and it impressed me. I visited the mountains, watched some ortodoxian ceremonies and even participated in one, received my first Easter egg, walked across the center. Visited roman ruins, turkish ruins, medieval ruins and received so much story in the paper notes that Raya took with her. Travelled by bus, by metro, by trainway, by car, by flight. Went to a train station, walked during the night across the city, visited a huge park and walked in the woods. Knew amazing people, went to a folk-disco, became drank at the hostel. Visited a lot of museums, spoke about gossip, history, personal life... received a lot of emotional impresions, discovered facts of myself. Received gifts for my birthday, knew the family of Raya.
I think that the general balance of the travel is crazy. I lived several lifes in just four days. And the most of it i have to thank Raya. She took me by the hand as a children other, in her words, as an idiot ( ok, she said " i am an idiot, so i explain you the things as if were to me " ). Today i have just awake for the english exam, as i couldn't sleep ( nervousity and a kebab for dinner isn't a good combination for good sleeping ) and came here. To confess that i have took land in Spain again and i am a little bit free of " bulgarian fever ", enough objetive to balance the travel. And i am incredible happy of it.
About feelings... well, i have a necklace with the Pliska rosete in it over my chest. I read the story of it and became amazed, but it's not only because of it that i have. During somedays i had this weird feeling that i should give back all the good things i have received, but that's bad. Friendship and love are gifts from the heart, and what comes from the heart is unvaluable. It doesn't matter if it's a painted egg other a diamond ring, it's a good wish what it cost. So i have been gifted so much cause... cause i am a good person ? I suppose it. Anyway, i feel amazing and really thankfull for all that i have received, way too much to seize other to count, and just hope to worth it. A part of me suppose that i do it. Do you notice ? A word-artist without words. I am such a fool...
But a happy fool. Coming back to exams, to uniform, to Cadiz and to " real world ". But with a piece of another world inside my. Thanks. I am ready for the next fight. Time will show, but i have clear sight and strenght in my hand. And you have me.

I am losting my favourite skin

I have just arrived to Madrid and i am a little bit dizzy. I haven't sleep enough and i was worried about meeting Maria, with all this feeling of unreality that produces me listen spanish again as something usual and notice that there is no bulgarians all around.
I miss it someway. And i know i will miss it sometimes. It isn't like this feeling when came back from Greece, " what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas ". This is another thing. That evil woman... i had a list of the things that i am gonna miss of her. There crazy laughs, the shine of her eyes, the way she walks, the errres so strong that she pronounces. Her incredible skill to know what's the best for me even when i don't know. Her generousity. Yesterday we had a familiar lunch but it was just people of our age. I hadn't ever have such a good one, she is so kind and good for details... i am a disaster in all this things and it's something that envy. I laughed so much with her neurosis when i didn't waited where i was supposed to. I can't forget her for don't speak me clear, for wait until the very last moment to give me the only thing that i really needed, an embrace and the words " you don't know how much i am gonna miss you ". Probably it's a lie, but i needed to listen and i have come back with the idea that it has been too much. Everything. The places, the people, the things, the... i have lived a full life in four days. And now i am empty, weak, without skin that protects my feelings of everything and i just want to sleep and regenerate my armour. I don't know if we will ever meet, if we will keep friends as always other everything will be different... but now i don't want to think. I am just a little bit out of myself and want to rest and enjoy. Play videogames, read, lie in a sofa. And then back to life, i will try going this weekend to Tarifa to meet my friends, friday i have russian lesson, thursday there is an exam of english. And life goes and goes on, and i want to take pictures, smile and cry, and save this moments and names in my life forever: raya, martin, radi, toni, maria, ivan, aleksander nevski, national teatr, art hostel, bulevar vitosha, tranvai... and feelings, feelings, feelings, until i think that i cannot feel anymore. Thanks :-) For show me the hole that i have in my soul and, even when cannot fill it, be after Karen and Carol the ka that my soul needed. Thanks.

I didnt know i was so fucking down

It happens from time by time. You have a brake broken ( eh, that sounded funny someway ) but dont know until you have to stop. And then its so late to repair anything. And then you say the thipical "oh my, i am fucked up ". Other if you are in a hurry you say "oh gosh".

Raya hitted the bullseye perfectly with me. I am looking for something that she cannot give me. And the worst thing is that i putted her in a point that noone should be putted. Not, lets say the truth. This is so empathical for me and today i looked like the Prekaren Ale, that pity poor guy.

The worst thing is that i didnt know that i was so eagerly looking for something.

And what were i looking, more than the usual of any man ? I discovered in Greece that i were looking for something and i won't forget Elena for noticing it. Carol would have easier do it, but Carol is so busy for me now a days and that's a good thing.

I were looking for my brother. When i touched Raya's face i were looking for the smile he always gave me as a gift. I was looking for someone who loves me, who adores me. Who says me that i am unique in her/his life and that without me there would be no sense. I have been mistreated, oh baby i've been mistreated, as i were looking for love.

And what can i say ? I am childish. I just want to run away, to go sailing, to forget me in myself. Not any more travelling looking for my own, no more friends in the other corner of the world, no more conversations until sunset. I have discovered my ill, and there is no cure for it. It's a terminal disease, for sure, cause i am looking for a sense to my life. I cannot live of paying bills, discovering places, taking pictures, drinking things. I need something big, something special, something glorious. After all my cinism, i am a man of big causes and adventures. A poor devil.

And what can i say ? I want to run away. Raya is the best girl anyone could wish... she tried to make me stay tomorrow instead of going to Burgas, and she didn't know how to do it. She was too lovely... but she is a hurted person. She has enough love in herself to keep her in movement and less more... she cannot give what she hasn't. This is what happens with me. That i want something that she cannot give me, but what probably noone can. What a pity. Let's go sailing again. At least with the sea and with metal you know what you have: you will never ask them anything that they can give.

God bless you. It will be a loooong weekend and a sad birthday after all. Miss you so much, my brother of Las Palmas, Luis and everybody. Miss you with my heart

Ale

ready... fight !

Here we go ! Another week, another life. Let the light surround me, as Dream Theater sang. I will prepare the next trip, begin russian lesson, study something. Maybe play videogames ? Yeah ! Let's kill some bastards. I am on my way to fight another round and, another time like Dream Theater sang, " try another day ". Hell, i am so energized yet. That's cause i took a decition. Always when i beat the doubts i have a boost in my selfsteen.
It's curious. I spoke for several several hours in german and have just remenbered today the word that i were looking for. And it's quite a known word for me, " sehnsucht ". You know what i mean, the melancholy that you have for something that you can't have, but still wish it and probably had it. That's what i mean. I were saying that it's better to feel Sehnsucht than don't know what you are losting it. Sehnsucht is also something to enjoy, cause it means that you had been happy and you miss it cause it was good.
That's what i think about life in general. And that's what i am reordering myself. To pass over the delightnment feeling and simply enjoy, go the next step and make your regular life, with this little treasure of secret joy inside you. And then the storm begins and the sadness are all around and you ask yourself " why am i here ? ", look on it. It will be your reason to fight, your secret smile. And when you wake up in the morning and look at your mirror, smile. Cause this guy who looks you and you, pale bastard, share the secret of what you felt. And noone could take you this out. So, thanks a lot for everything ! And for the next fight, let's go !

Ale