There is cold outside, mum. There is a world outside, a world made of streets, of roads, of grey buildings and windows and couples and cakes and make up and horns and noises. I don't wanna wake up so early. There is cold outside and here everything is warm, everything is silence, everything is peace. I can simply stay in the blankets, dreaming, feeling my body warm and confortable. Safe.
But we are not made for it. Time goes by and it comes a moment when you simply have to get up and front the world. Have a shower, clean your thoughts. Come to the internet, take a map and decide where do you want to go as you eat your breakfast. Continue the struggle. There may be no rainbow at the end of the road but... who cares ? There are many interesting things, places, moment to live and to share and to enjoy. Stories waiting to be told and mates with the ones you can share a moment, a night, a life. We will see. But right now and right here, i have the bitter taste of Sofia snow in my mouth. And i feel like in heaven :-)
viernes, 30 de diciembre de 2011
martes, 8 de noviembre de 2011
Back to bulgaria
Yesterday i was on duty in the middle time, from 00:00 to 04:00. I was sitted in the pilot's chair, controling that the ship doesn't move so much from a line draw in the map, and thinking. I had a good new. Hristi said me that she will try meeting me if i go bulgaria in christmas holidays.
It may be a nice time. I watched some pictures of Hristi and thought that she looked a bit sad now a days. I was driving and remenber the old times when i chatted with her, a little teenager in an unknown land. I remenber she telling me that wanted to learn spanish, and that her father, a mariner, brought him magazines and books from Spain. I always found it so lovely and romantic, that father in a foreign land looking for gifts to his daughter. As a guy without father, i recognaised me a bit jealous and happy for her.
Maybe that was the time when i connected so emotionally with her. Other maybe it was another thing. Sometimes i feel that i need to feel something so intense for people, the way i can feel myself alive. At this time i was younger and more inocent, but remenber having quite deep feelings for her. No idea what kind of feelings, but strong ones for sure.
And i haven't ever meet her eye to eye. But she gave me an excuse to go Bulgaria again, more than meeting Martin and eating/drinking boza, more than going with Nora to a metal pub and drink some beer. It's curious. Sometimes i think that it's important to me imagine that i matter to someone, no matter who. Sounds a bit selfish and stupid, but it's this way. As they are people who worth my feelings, i need them to care about me.
That's why i am so lucky these days. I have known many great people and i feel that i can have support just asking. Maybe support from the opposite side of the world, but great support after all.
So i will try coming back to Bulgaria. To feel disappointed and remenber myself that there isn't anything real, that i am an island in the middle of the sea, like right now, and that the nice moments in life are little treasures to save and remenber. I am fine. And i have faith for the future, for more stories to come and tales to tell. Thanks for everything, people. You are great :-)
It may be a nice time. I watched some pictures of Hristi and thought that she looked a bit sad now a days. I was driving and remenber the old times when i chatted with her, a little teenager in an unknown land. I remenber she telling me that wanted to learn spanish, and that her father, a mariner, brought him magazines and books from Spain. I always found it so lovely and romantic, that father in a foreign land looking for gifts to his daughter. As a guy without father, i recognaised me a bit jealous and happy for her.
Maybe that was the time when i connected so emotionally with her. Other maybe it was another thing. Sometimes i feel that i need to feel something so intense for people, the way i can feel myself alive. At this time i was younger and more inocent, but remenber having quite deep feelings for her. No idea what kind of feelings, but strong ones for sure.
And i haven't ever meet her eye to eye. But she gave me an excuse to go Bulgaria again, more than meeting Martin and eating/drinking boza, more than going with Nora to a metal pub and drink some beer. It's curious. Sometimes i think that it's important to me imagine that i matter to someone, no matter who. Sounds a bit selfish and stupid, but it's this way. As they are people who worth my feelings, i need them to care about me.
That's why i am so lucky these days. I have known many great people and i feel that i can have support just asking. Maybe support from the opposite side of the world, but great support after all.
So i will try coming back to Bulgaria. To feel disappointed and remenber myself that there isn't anything real, that i am an island in the middle of the sea, like right now, and that the nice moments in life are little treasures to save and remenber. I am fine. And i have faith for the future, for more stories to come and tales to tell. Thanks for everything, people. You are great :-)
jueves, 6 de octubre de 2011
Homeless
Inna use to call me that, mocking me about the way i wear. It's interesting, as i don't care so much about my aspect. I care about my image, wich is a different way. I like to wear as the character that i am performing this day, but not as i should look in a " conventional " meaning. Have my own scale of values.
The curious thing is that, as i were coming back driving, i thought in Luis and how he became part of the city. He accepted some " rules " and " beliefs " and " traditions ". Everything about join the tribe. I didn't do it so far and that's why i am... homeless. The curious thing is that it's something common in my family. Here is my cousin, who went to Galicia to the military school and it's quite confortable there. His younger brother is working and living in Italy and haven't lived in Cádiz during more than the last ten years. And he is confortable. My grandparents came from Galicia and, someway, they showed us that the home is the family.
But i have no family, just people who i respect and feel some confidence about. To me, the family was the enterprise developed to take care of my bro, and when my bro disappeared the enterprise had no more sense. So here i am, waiting for the next step... to become even more homeless.
It's not a bad feeling. You have lot of freedom and space to create your own rules, beliefs and traditions. To make your own world and invite there the people that you want to join. And hat's a good thing, only that's a lot of work and sometimes it's tiring other makes you feel isolated... but that's no problem, if you have the right attitude :-) Anyway, it's curious how a word used in mocking became so real to me. Coincidation ? Sometimes true appear in front of us and we don't even recognaise it. Great hit, lovely Inna :-) Bye bye.
The curious thing is that, as i were coming back driving, i thought in Luis and how he became part of the city. He accepted some " rules " and " beliefs " and " traditions ". Everything about join the tribe. I didn't do it so far and that's why i am... homeless. The curious thing is that it's something common in my family. Here is my cousin, who went to Galicia to the military school and it's quite confortable there. His younger brother is working and living in Italy and haven't lived in Cádiz during more than the last ten years. And he is confortable. My grandparents came from Galicia and, someway, they showed us that the home is the family.
But i have no family, just people who i respect and feel some confidence about. To me, the family was the enterprise developed to take care of my bro, and when my bro disappeared the enterprise had no more sense. So here i am, waiting for the next step... to become even more homeless.
It's not a bad feeling. You have lot of freedom and space to create your own rules, beliefs and traditions. To make your own world and invite there the people that you want to join. And hat's a good thing, only that's a lot of work and sometimes it's tiring other makes you feel isolated... but that's no problem, if you have the right attitude :-) Anyway, it's curious how a word used in mocking became so real to me. Coincidation ? Sometimes true appear in front of us and we don't even recognaise it. Great hit, lovely Inna :-) Bye bye.
lunes, 3 de octubre de 2011
Farewell, my friends
It has been a pleasure to stay beside you for this stage. It's what happens in life and sometimes it's so complicated to understand... that we are but falling leaves, just an step in a quite long stairway that comes from somewhere to nowhere. And in the middle of our trip there will be mates, brothers, sisters, people who love us and people who don't. People who teach us and people who take things for us.
And everybody of this incredible amount of people won't be in a queue, so they will be coming and going. What comes around goes around, and everything let a little of themselves, as we do it. Energy flows, in one direction and another.
But it's so complicated to understand. We have fear. Fear to forget, fear to be alone, fear to don't be loved. We are afraid even of ourselves, of shadows made from our light. It's our destiny.
No way. I won't allow it. I am so happy for have had you in my life. It's what i said to my brother and what i still think. Cause he hasn't gone at all, he is with me sometimes and... i am happy because of it. Like some of you, even in the shape of remenberings, are part of my life.
Tonight i dream with R. I dreamt that she told me that had a B+, when many other girls have had A. But i know it's a false dream, cause the mole girl will have amazing marks and i am so proud of her. As i am proud of everybody of you, my friends, who make my life a better place. Thanks a lot. I miss you, but i still wish. Farewell.
And everybody of this incredible amount of people won't be in a queue, so they will be coming and going. What comes around goes around, and everything let a little of themselves, as we do it. Energy flows, in one direction and another.
But it's so complicated to understand. We have fear. Fear to forget, fear to be alone, fear to don't be loved. We are afraid even of ourselves, of shadows made from our light. It's our destiny.
No way. I won't allow it. I am so happy for have had you in my life. It's what i said to my brother and what i still think. Cause he hasn't gone at all, he is with me sometimes and... i am happy because of it. Like some of you, even in the shape of remenberings, are part of my life.
Tonight i dream with R. I dreamt that she told me that had a B+, when many other girls have had A. But i know it's a false dream, cause the mole girl will have amazing marks and i am so proud of her. As i am proud of everybody of you, my friends, who make my life a better place. Thanks a lot. I miss you, but i still wish. Farewell.
sábado, 3 de septiembre de 2011
The heart surrenders
Onrack spoke " Monok Ochem, you have travelled far from the mortal you once were, so far as to forget a host of truths, both pleasent and unpleasent. The heart is never given other nor stolen. It surrenders "
This is a text from House of Chains, fourth novel of the Malazan serie. The title is quite exactly this time, as most of the book speaks of our relations with each other, how they tie us and force to do things that we may other may not like to. It's an interesting theme. What part of our will is compromised when we phone a friend who has phoned us before ? How volunteer is a " me too " when someone says you " i love you " ? It's complicated to say, cause sometimes to be more free means to be ignoring other one's feelings, wich is cruelty. Has to be always this way ? That comes to the theme of things good other bad. I don't agree at all with that separation in black and white colours.
I am sorry guys, but now i let you wanting more. It's my time to leave, but just want you to think a moment about that phrase. The heart surrenders.
jueves, 25 de agosto de 2011
I wanna come back to Bulgaria
Sounds weird, isn't it ? Sofia is a dark city with dark people and dark places and... well, you catch the idea. But i had so amazing times there. And i just discovered a little bit of it. I miss Raya, her sharp sense of humour, her inteligence and her sensitive. But i also miss other things. I miss the churches where i used to walk, the yellow brick road to Budapest. I miss Radi and her rainbow-soul, the park with the pictures, the hostel and Rali... and want to discover many new things. Veliko Tarnovo and it's castle, Nora and her smart sense of humour, Hristi and her embraces by internet, the beach of Bourgas, the misterious train... it's what i didn't discovered in Sofia. I went by metro, by tranvia, by bus, by... and always with someone beside me, wich smile was light.
So, let's wait. More places will come, more people, more adventures. Let's go for it !
So, let's wait. More places will come, more people, more adventures. Let's go for it !
What comes around, goes around
I love this expresion. It means many things to me, something like an Ouroboros make words. The world with it's rythim, the waves that moves and everything that comes to you different, but also the same. To me this expresion means freedom, open your mind and... live.
I am listening to Eyes burn again. Really love that band, so much energy. But also i have listened Los Suaves today in the morning, cause i feel a bit of sadness, deep inside me. Los Suaves is an spanish band from the north and to me has always been a band of rainy days. I feel like raining inside me, cause someone has passed of being part of my life, a bit inside and a bit out, to be definetively past.
And i am thinking, what happens when people comes and goes ? Since i was a teenager i have known many amazing people knowing that our meeting it's just this, a point in the big space of a full life, a so big story filled with little special moments. Maybe we never see again that person who made us laugh so much, maybe we won't see another sunset at the beach with friends, maybe...
But who cares ? Life is what we live. We save this moment with us, in our luggage. I don't remenber who said me that he(she) has too much luggage in life, and that weight makes difficult to move. I don't think it should be this way. Our luggage should be something that we enjoy, that makes us smile when the time is right and also help us to break crying when the tears are so dry. So, why worry ? Don't live in your past, but don't forget it too. Simply be, like an arrow who flies from the past to the future, enjoying the trip as the speed rises.
Keep smiling, people. Don't let the sadness embrace you too long
viernes, 15 de julio de 2011
Never say never
It's imposible to avoid it. You pass across life, so sure of yourself and how you drive. There is music, a nice place... everything looks easy to you, no real worries in the horizon.
And then, zas ! A lighting falls in front of you and the world changes. Your skin burns, your eyes shine. All looks in a different colour, your ears bleed, you lost conection to reality. You are an island and you don't know what's happening, just that you cannot know what is it and you just simply round this idea, one time, another time, another time...
I have get my head out of the water and i am breathing again. I can see. The world has changed, there is something that a time ago it was imposible to exist. Was it ? Really ? I don't know. Yesterday someone said me something so crazy, but i think that i believe it too. Maybe this was to happen, i knew and i feel it, but i simply couldn't believe it.
Yesterday a lightning fell in my life and i don't know what to say. During hours i spoke of life, of religion, of family, of struggle, of art, of science, of work. To put you an example of how was the conversation, this was a phrase from me that i really liked it
" People cannot put shape, other colour, other taste to love. No rules, no limits. Art is what makes us human, love is what make us worth to be human. "
What the hell is going on ? Where is that cinic, evil, lonely man who says " arrr " and smile ? . It may be truth that all this was there ? The last time that creature inside me appeared i was in Sofia, progresively getting drunken and speaking with an incredible waitress. Now i am in a shore, in the middle of nowhere and i want to learn russian, want to go swimming, want to...
I want to fly. And i am afraid that, if someone says me i can, i would believe it.
But every dream comes to an end and everything that begin has to finish. Why ? Cause this is the way to enjoy things, knowing that the bless of today will be payed tomorrow. But i am not afraid for the prize. It worth it. Every single moment of life is wonderfull this way, so brighting, with my bleeding ears and my scared heart.
It's a shock. A lightning. It will pass, but right now... i need a rest and a forget of myself. I need to get lost inside myself and see what i meet there. I need silence.
And then, zas ! A lighting falls in front of you and the world changes. Your skin burns, your eyes shine. All looks in a different colour, your ears bleed, you lost conection to reality. You are an island and you don't know what's happening, just that you cannot know what is it and you just simply round this idea, one time, another time, another time...
I have get my head out of the water and i am breathing again. I can see. The world has changed, there is something that a time ago it was imposible to exist. Was it ? Really ? I don't know. Yesterday someone said me something so crazy, but i think that i believe it too. Maybe this was to happen, i knew and i feel it, but i simply couldn't believe it.
Yesterday a lightning fell in my life and i don't know what to say. During hours i spoke of life, of religion, of family, of struggle, of art, of science, of work. To put you an example of how was the conversation, this was a phrase from me that i really liked it
" People cannot put shape, other colour, other taste to love. No rules, no limits. Art is what makes us human, love is what make us worth to be human. "
What the hell is going on ? Where is that cinic, evil, lonely man who says " arrr " and smile ? . It may be truth that all this was there ? The last time that creature inside me appeared i was in Sofia, progresively getting drunken and speaking with an incredible waitress. Now i am in a shore, in the middle of nowhere and i want to learn russian, want to go swimming, want to...
I want to fly. And i am afraid that, if someone says me i can, i would believe it.
But every dream comes to an end and everything that begin has to finish. Why ? Cause this is the way to enjoy things, knowing that the bless of today will be payed tomorrow. But i am not afraid for the prize. It worth it. Every single moment of life is wonderfull this way, so brighting, with my bleeding ears and my scared heart.
It's a shock. A lightning. It will pass, but right now... i need a rest and a forget of myself. I need to get lost inside myself and see what i meet there. I need silence.
jueves, 7 de julio de 2011
Who am i ?
I am reading so many things now a days, as i am a bit bored and don't have many things to do. There was a time, not so much ago, when i was a vector: direction, adress and purpose. All my mind, soul and body was dedicated to achieve something and i felt me wonderfull. I felt me... plenty. Never got so much of myself as when i am obsesed with something, and never get so little of me. And as the task finished, done other undone, i feel me quite lost and empty.
Today i read this text and really liked. And that's why it appears in this blog of me.
" You dream that with memories will come knowledge, and from knowledge understanding.
But for every answer you find a new thousand questions rise. All that we were led us to where we are, but tells us little of where we're going. Memories are a weight you never shrug off. "
An interesting text. And a confusing one. I am but myself again... really ? I feel me like having a second teenager time. I am strong, learning a lot, discovering the world and myself... and at the same time i am so confused. There are two themes that fascinates me, sex and death. Tipical themes of teenagers, if you mind. But at the same time i am almost 30 and have lived so many things, i am not an unexperienced person trying to reach it's limits. I know where they are and i play with them, with menace, patience but also a risky look. It's like one of the many characters that compose my personality, other maybe two, are taking the lead of the common ship for a time and asking for atention. I feel me so identified with " mutter " song from Rammstein. That feeling of loneliness, of... hunger for love. And at the same time, i smile. Cause every sunrise it's a wonder in itself and the world is a big apple waiting for me to bite it. So, what will lead me life ? Can my memories of what i am, of what i was, and what i could be bring me knowledge ? And could someone ever understand me, when not even me does it ?
Time will show. But today... today i just wanna be. Have great times and, eh, thanks to Luis for standing up by me even when i am a toothpain like now :-)
And a last note. I miss my helly friend. Remenbering... always remenbering
Ale ( not prosi. Not now ).
Today i read this text and really liked. And that's why it appears in this blog of me.
" You dream that with memories will come knowledge, and from knowledge understanding.
But for every answer you find a new thousand questions rise. All that we were led us to where we are, but tells us little of where we're going. Memories are a weight you never shrug off. "
An interesting text. And a confusing one. I am but myself again... really ? I feel me like having a second teenager time. I am strong, learning a lot, discovering the world and myself... and at the same time i am so confused. There are two themes that fascinates me, sex and death. Tipical themes of teenagers, if you mind. But at the same time i am almost 30 and have lived so many things, i am not an unexperienced person trying to reach it's limits. I know where they are and i play with them, with menace, patience but also a risky look. It's like one of the many characters that compose my personality, other maybe two, are taking the lead of the common ship for a time and asking for atention. I feel me so identified with " mutter " song from Rammstein. That feeling of loneliness, of... hunger for love. And at the same time, i smile. Cause every sunrise it's a wonder in itself and the world is a big apple waiting for me to bite it. So, what will lead me life ? Can my memories of what i am, of what i was, and what i could be bring me knowledge ? And could someone ever understand me, when not even me does it ?
Time will show. But today... today i just wanna be. Have great times and, eh, thanks to Luis for standing up by me even when i am a toothpain like now :-)
And a last note. I miss my helly friend. Remenbering... always remenbering
Ale ( not prosi. Not now ).
martes, 31 de mayo de 2011
Am i a fighter ?
Between the many gifts that Raya made me, one of the best was to know her friends. Between this, Radi is a little rainbow ( i don't care she is 1'80, i cannot think in her other way than like a child ) and she always encourage me. The last time when we spoke she told me that i was a fighter, a real one. No matter how hard everything comes, i always struggle. For real ? Maybe... there are times when i simply cannot any more and just want to pass over it. But even with that, i awoke today, went to the beach to sail and open my lungs and i have passed my health test. Now i head to the library to keep studying and prepare me for the other tests to come. On the fight !
It's curious. I have always that Pliska rousete with me. I don't think raya is so generous like she did with me... so that makes me feel so special. I am blessed. People from all around the world, with a little star inside then like in that Mario RPG game, come to me and share their light. Me, a dark creature who feed happyness, a social vampire... me, i am blessed with so many people making me a better one.
I said Radi that i was not generous with my bro. I helped him helping myself, as any good thing that is inside me is a reflex of the incredible creature that he was. Maybe i am not a fighter. Maybe it's you who make me this way. But... well, Radostina means " the one who brings joy ", Raya means " the one who comes from heaven " and Alejandro means " defender of men ". So, i have to play my role . Have a great day, guys. I try to be my best
Ale
It's curious. I have always that Pliska rousete with me. I don't think raya is so generous like she did with me... so that makes me feel so special. I am blessed. People from all around the world, with a little star inside then like in that Mario RPG game, come to me and share their light. Me, a dark creature who feed happyness, a social vampire... me, i am blessed with so many people making me a better one.
I said Radi that i was not generous with my bro. I helped him helping myself, as any good thing that is inside me is a reflex of the incredible creature that he was. Maybe i am not a fighter. Maybe it's you who make me this way. But... well, Radostina means " the one who brings joy ", Raya means " the one who comes from heaven " and Alejandro means " defender of men ". So, i have to play my role . Have a great day, guys. I try to be my best
Ale
miércoles, 27 de abril de 2011
Are you ready... ?
This is new to me. Write fresher and easier in english than in spanish, cause i don't have a clear idea of where i am driving my mind to. Other more correctly, where is my mind driving me to.
I am supposed to be a cursed writter. Words are my clay, my tool, my toy. But i have no way to explain the things that has happened across my mind during this days.
Now i feel better. Calmer and more balanced than i have been in weeks. As i were trying to sleep, i made a mental note of the things that i have done during this four days in Bulgaria and it impressed me. I visited the mountains, watched some ortodoxian ceremonies and even participated in one, received my first Easter egg, walked across the center. Visited roman ruins, turkish ruins, medieval ruins and received so much story in the paper notes that Raya took with her. Travelled by bus, by metro, by trainway, by car, by flight. Went to a train station, walked during the night across the city, visited a huge park and walked in the woods. Knew amazing people, went to a folk-disco, became drank at the hostel. Visited a lot of museums, spoke about gossip, history, personal life... received a lot of emotional impresions, discovered facts of myself. Received gifts for my birthday, knew the family of Raya.
I think that the general balance of the travel is crazy. I lived several lifes in just four days. And the most of it i have to thank Raya. She took me by the hand as a children other, in her words, as an idiot ( ok, she said " i am an idiot, so i explain you the things as if were to me " ). Today i have just awake for the english exam, as i couldn't sleep ( nervousity and a kebab for dinner isn't a good combination for good sleeping ) and came here. To confess that i have took land in Spain again and i am a little bit free of " bulgarian fever ", enough objetive to balance the travel. And i am incredible happy of it.
About feelings... well, i have a necklace with the Pliska rosete in it over my chest. I read the story of it and became amazed, but it's not only because of it that i have. During somedays i had this weird feeling that i should give back all the good things i have received, but that's bad. Friendship and love are gifts from the heart, and what comes from the heart is unvaluable. It doesn't matter if it's a painted egg other a diamond ring, it's a good wish what it cost. So i have been gifted so much cause... cause i am a good person ? I suppose it. Anyway, i feel amazing and really thankfull for all that i have received, way too much to seize other to count, and just hope to worth it. A part of me suppose that i do it. Do you notice ? A word-artist without words. I am such a fool...
But a happy fool. Coming back to exams, to uniform, to Cadiz and to " real world ". But with a piece of another world inside my. Thanks. I am ready for the next fight. Time will show, but i have clear sight and strenght in my hand. And you have me.
I am supposed to be a cursed writter. Words are my clay, my tool, my toy. But i have no way to explain the things that has happened across my mind during this days.
Now i feel better. Calmer and more balanced than i have been in weeks. As i were trying to sleep, i made a mental note of the things that i have done during this four days in Bulgaria and it impressed me. I visited the mountains, watched some ortodoxian ceremonies and even participated in one, received my first Easter egg, walked across the center. Visited roman ruins, turkish ruins, medieval ruins and received so much story in the paper notes that Raya took with her. Travelled by bus, by metro, by trainway, by car, by flight. Went to a train station, walked during the night across the city, visited a huge park and walked in the woods. Knew amazing people, went to a folk-disco, became drank at the hostel. Visited a lot of museums, spoke about gossip, history, personal life... received a lot of emotional impresions, discovered facts of myself. Received gifts for my birthday, knew the family of Raya.
I think that the general balance of the travel is crazy. I lived several lifes in just four days. And the most of it i have to thank Raya. She took me by the hand as a children other, in her words, as an idiot ( ok, she said " i am an idiot, so i explain you the things as if were to me " ). Today i have just awake for the english exam, as i couldn't sleep ( nervousity and a kebab for dinner isn't a good combination for good sleeping ) and came here. To confess that i have took land in Spain again and i am a little bit free of " bulgarian fever ", enough objetive to balance the travel. And i am incredible happy of it.
About feelings... well, i have a necklace with the Pliska rosete in it over my chest. I read the story of it and became amazed, but it's not only because of it that i have. During somedays i had this weird feeling that i should give back all the good things i have received, but that's bad. Friendship and love are gifts from the heart, and what comes from the heart is unvaluable. It doesn't matter if it's a painted egg other a diamond ring, it's a good wish what it cost. So i have been gifted so much cause... cause i am a good person ? I suppose it. Anyway, i feel amazing and really thankfull for all that i have received, way too much to seize other to count, and just hope to worth it. A part of me suppose that i do it. Do you notice ? A word-artist without words. I am such a fool...
But a happy fool. Coming back to exams, to uniform, to Cadiz and to " real world ". But with a piece of another world inside my. Thanks. I am ready for the next fight. Time will show, but i have clear sight and strenght in my hand. And you have me.
martes, 26 de abril de 2011
I am losting my favourite skin
I have just arrived to Madrid and i am a little bit dizzy. I haven't sleep enough and i was worried about meeting Maria, with all this feeling of unreality that produces me listen spanish again as something usual and notice that there is no bulgarians all around.
I miss it someway. And i know i will miss it sometimes. It isn't like this feeling when came back from Greece, " what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas ". This is another thing. That evil woman... i had a list of the things that i am gonna miss of her. There crazy laughs, the shine of her eyes, the way she walks, the errres so strong that she pronounces. Her incredible skill to know what's the best for me even when i don't know. Her generousity. Yesterday we had a familiar lunch but it was just people of our age. I hadn't ever have such a good one, she is so kind and good for details... i am a disaster in all this things and it's something that envy. I laughed so much with her neurosis when i didn't waited where i was supposed to. I can't forget her for don't speak me clear, for wait until the very last moment to give me the only thing that i really needed, an embrace and the words " you don't know how much i am gonna miss you ". Probably it's a lie, but i needed to listen and i have come back with the idea that it has been too much. Everything. The places, the people, the things, the... i have lived a full life in four days. And now i am empty, weak, without skin that protects my feelings of everything and i just want to sleep and regenerate my armour. I don't know if we will ever meet, if we will keep friends as always other everything will be different... but now i don't want to think. I am just a little bit out of myself and want to rest and enjoy. Play videogames, read, lie in a sofa. And then back to life, i will try going this weekend to Tarifa to meet my friends, friday i have russian lesson, thursday there is an exam of english. And life goes and goes on, and i want to take pictures, smile and cry, and save this moments and names in my life forever: raya, martin, radi, toni, maria, ivan, aleksander nevski, national teatr, art hostel, bulevar vitosha, tranvai... and feelings, feelings, feelings, until i think that i cannot feel anymore. Thanks :-) For show me the hole that i have in my soul and, even when cannot fill it, be after Karen and Carol the ka that my soul needed. Thanks.
I miss it someway. And i know i will miss it sometimes. It isn't like this feeling when came back from Greece, " what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas ". This is another thing. That evil woman... i had a list of the things that i am gonna miss of her. There crazy laughs, the shine of her eyes, the way she walks, the errres so strong that she pronounces. Her incredible skill to know what's the best for me even when i don't know. Her generousity. Yesterday we had a familiar lunch but it was just people of our age. I hadn't ever have such a good one, she is so kind and good for details... i am a disaster in all this things and it's something that envy. I laughed so much with her neurosis when i didn't waited where i was supposed to. I can't forget her for don't speak me clear, for wait until the very last moment to give me the only thing that i really needed, an embrace and the words " you don't know how much i am gonna miss you ". Probably it's a lie, but i needed to listen and i have come back with the idea that it has been too much. Everything. The places, the people, the things, the... i have lived a full life in four days. And now i am empty, weak, without skin that protects my feelings of everything and i just want to sleep and regenerate my armour. I don't know if we will ever meet, if we will keep friends as always other everything will be different... but now i don't want to think. I am just a little bit out of myself and want to rest and enjoy. Play videogames, read, lie in a sofa. And then back to life, i will try going this weekend to Tarifa to meet my friends, friday i have russian lesson, thursday there is an exam of english. And life goes and goes on, and i want to take pictures, smile and cry, and save this moments and names in my life forever: raya, martin, radi, toni, maria, ivan, aleksander nevski, national teatr, art hostel, bulevar vitosha, tranvai... and feelings, feelings, feelings, until i think that i cannot feel anymore. Thanks :-) For show me the hole that i have in my soul and, even when cannot fill it, be after Karen and Carol the ka that my soul needed. Thanks.
sábado, 23 de abril de 2011
I didnt know i was so fucking down
It happens from time by time. You have a brake broken ( eh, that sounded funny someway ) but dont know until you have to stop. And then its so late to repair anything. And then you say the thipical "oh my, i am fucked up ". Other if you are in a hurry you say "oh gosh".
Raya hitted the bullseye perfectly with me. I am looking for something that she cannot give me. And the worst thing is that i putted her in a point that noone should be putted. Not, lets say the truth. This is so empathical for me and today i looked like the Prekaren Ale, that pity poor guy.
The worst thing is that i didnt know that i was so eagerly looking for something.
And what were i looking, more than the usual of any man ? I discovered in Greece that i were looking for something and i won't forget Elena for noticing it. Carol would have easier do it, but Carol is so busy for me now a days and that's a good thing.
I were looking for my brother. When i touched Raya's face i were looking for the smile he always gave me as a gift. I was looking for someone who loves me, who adores me. Who says me that i am unique in her/his life and that without me there would be no sense. I have been mistreated, oh baby i've been mistreated, as i were looking for love.
And what can i say ? I am childish. I just want to run away, to go sailing, to forget me in myself. Not any more travelling looking for my own, no more friends in the other corner of the world, no more conversations until sunset. I have discovered my ill, and there is no cure for it. It's a terminal disease, for sure, cause i am looking for a sense to my life. I cannot live of paying bills, discovering places, taking pictures, drinking things. I need something big, something special, something glorious. After all my cinism, i am a man of big causes and adventures. A poor devil.
And what can i say ? I want to run away. Raya is the best girl anyone could wish... she tried to make me stay tomorrow instead of going to Burgas, and she didn't know how to do it. She was too lovely... but she is a hurted person. She has enough love in herself to keep her in movement and less more... she cannot give what she hasn't. This is what happens with me. That i want something that she cannot give me, but what probably noone can. What a pity. Let's go sailing again. At least with the sea and with metal you know what you have: you will never ask them anything that they can give.
God bless you. It will be a loooong weekend and a sad birthday after all. Miss you so much, my brother of Las Palmas, Luis and everybody. Miss you with my heart
Ale
lunes, 11 de abril de 2011
ready... fight !
Here we go ! Another week, another life. Let the light surround me, as Dream Theater sang. I will prepare the next trip, begin russian lesson, study something. Maybe play videogames ? Yeah ! Let's kill some bastards. I am on my way to fight another round and, another time like Dream Theater sang, " try another day ". Hell, i am so energized yet. That's cause i took a decition. Always when i beat the doubts i have a boost in my selfsteen.
It's curious. I spoke for several several hours in german and have just remenbered today the word that i were looking for. And it's quite a known word for me, " sehnsucht ". You know what i mean, the melancholy that you have for something that you can't have, but still wish it and probably had it. That's what i mean. I were saying that it's better to feel Sehnsucht than don't know what you are losting it. Sehnsucht is also something to enjoy, cause it means that you had been happy and you miss it cause it was good.
That's what i think about life in general. And that's what i am reordering myself. To pass over the delightnment feeling and simply enjoy, go the next step and make your regular life, with this little treasure of secret joy inside you. And then the storm begins and the sadness are all around and you ask yourself " why am i here ? ", look on it. It will be your reason to fight, your secret smile. And when you wake up in the morning and look at your mirror, smile. Cause this guy who looks you and you, pale bastard, share the secret of what you felt. And noone could take you this out. So, thanks a lot for everything ! And for the next fight, let's go !
Ale
It's curious. I spoke for several several hours in german and have just remenbered today the word that i were looking for. And it's quite a known word for me, " sehnsucht ". You know what i mean, the melancholy that you have for something that you can't have, but still wish it and probably had it. That's what i mean. I were saying that it's better to feel Sehnsucht than don't know what you are losting it. Sehnsucht is also something to enjoy, cause it means that you had been happy and you miss it cause it was good.
That's what i think about life in general. And that's what i am reordering myself. To pass over the delightnment feeling and simply enjoy, go the next step and make your regular life, with this little treasure of secret joy inside you. And then the storm begins and the sadness are all around and you ask yourself " why am i here ? ", look on it. It will be your reason to fight, your secret smile. And when you wake up in the morning and look at your mirror, smile. Cause this guy who looks you and you, pale bastard, share the secret of what you felt. And noone could take you this out. So, thanks a lot for everything ! And for the next fight, let's go !
Ale
domingo, 10 de abril de 2011
I am delighted
And it's nothing that i can confess. There was sooo much time since the last conversation that i had with such this level of emotional intensity. It frightened me, to open myself this way to someone and receive the same and even more. There was moments in the conversation, when we spoke about the afterlife, about known someone from the internet, about the hability to addapt and the levels in a relationship... that i was like hipnotized. I didn't wanted it to finish. There was a moment when she said me what she looks inside me and, someway, i didn't found it wrong. Things that in another time and moment are wrong, there were magic. And this was the word she used, magic. I try to make a little miracle of my life everyday but... there are times when it simply happens and i don't know what to say.
I am still delighted. And that's fine, cause like with any dream i will awake soon, open my eyes and keep with it. It looks like i may have another fairytale in Greece and that afraids me, but at the same time i love it. Thanks a lot for everything, you crazy girl from the east. You rock a lot :-)
I am still delighted. And that's fine, cause like with any dream i will awake soon, open my eyes and keep with it. It looks like i may have another fairytale in Greece and that afraids me, but at the same time i love it. Thanks a lot for everything, you crazy girl from the east. You rock a lot :-)
viernes, 1 de abril de 2011
Ordering some mess in my mind
Let's go step after step. Yesterday i stayed most of the afternoon and evening in front of the computer, speaking foreign languages and... trying to be out of the world. I have thinking in all this of moving to another city. I have almost taken the decition but i want to move yet. Not wait so much more. And at the same time i keep busy with many open fronts, the opositions that i don't study, the sport that i don't do, the russian homework that i don't do... so much things.
And then it comes my private life. My mother looks like a teenager more and more for days. Yesterday she came home with a man that she had a relationship with. He went away cause he was afraid of my brother and i cannot forget this. I can forget almost anything, but my bro no. I am fully irrational with this, and i am proud of it. So i will have to take my mother and speak to her, and say her that it's this man other me. A funny thing.
And not the only one. Yesterday my little german sis was online and we chatted about two hours by skype, as we could cause the conection was bad. She is in some evil town of Germany, making an english course with people from all armies. She is so cool and funny as always, such a little mrs sunshine in my life. She has been disappeared as she has a boyfriend, as i guessed, and she has bought a new car of about 40.000 that she will be paying for the next ten years. And it made me feel more closed. I didn't wanted to speak much more. She was so down cause his dog died, because she never lost a close familiar and she has been 15 years with this dog. And to me it was like... hell. How can i relationate with people who hasn't been so much endured as me for life ? In this moment of my life i have no patience for people who i think that aren't really usefull for me, in emotional, intelectual other any other way. I felt me so old compared with my little sister, who is just eighteen... we spoke about meeting us in summer again and i would like, but... i don't feel so good about it.
And then we speak about women. For several months i have been by my own, without knowing anyone who interests me excepting the crow girl and we remenber how that finished. And now it looks like i am being engaged into something bigger than i can manage. And at the same time, there is another girl who i feel so fine toward her. I don't want anything but... it's hard to don't play when all you have is fun. She is in kiev and there is nothing to make there, but i like making jokes with her and this is taken time that i need for the " main " one. And just yesterday the ukrayne girl told me that she has cancer. And i don't know how to react to it. It's nothing that should worry me but... it does it someway. And this to don't speak of the travel that i am planning for the next week, who is theorically a time of joy and happyness but as i am travelling with a friend i am worried about how will he be.
Uf... too much things. I have to play some videogames, make homework, forget the world. I just want to sleep a while.
Miss ya heaps, pals. Have great times, see you !
Ale
And then it comes my private life. My mother looks like a teenager more and more for days. Yesterday she came home with a man that she had a relationship with. He went away cause he was afraid of my brother and i cannot forget this. I can forget almost anything, but my bro no. I am fully irrational with this, and i am proud of it. So i will have to take my mother and speak to her, and say her that it's this man other me. A funny thing.
And not the only one. Yesterday my little german sis was online and we chatted about two hours by skype, as we could cause the conection was bad. She is in some evil town of Germany, making an english course with people from all armies. She is so cool and funny as always, such a little mrs sunshine in my life. She has been disappeared as she has a boyfriend, as i guessed, and she has bought a new car of about 40.000 that she will be paying for the next ten years. And it made me feel more closed. I didn't wanted to speak much more. She was so down cause his dog died, because she never lost a close familiar and she has been 15 years with this dog. And to me it was like... hell. How can i relationate with people who hasn't been so much endured as me for life ? In this moment of my life i have no patience for people who i think that aren't really usefull for me, in emotional, intelectual other any other way. I felt me so old compared with my little sister, who is just eighteen... we spoke about meeting us in summer again and i would like, but... i don't feel so good about it.
And then we speak about women. For several months i have been by my own, without knowing anyone who interests me excepting the crow girl and we remenber how that finished. And now it looks like i am being engaged into something bigger than i can manage. And at the same time, there is another girl who i feel so fine toward her. I don't want anything but... it's hard to don't play when all you have is fun. She is in kiev and there is nothing to make there, but i like making jokes with her and this is taken time that i need for the " main " one. And just yesterday the ukrayne girl told me that she has cancer. And i don't know how to react to it. It's nothing that should worry me but... it does it someway. And this to don't speak of the travel that i am planning for the next week, who is theorically a time of joy and happyness but as i am travelling with a friend i am worried about how will he be.
Uf... too much things. I have to play some videogames, make homework, forget the world. I just want to sleep a while.
Miss ya heaps, pals. Have great times, see you !
Ale
sábado, 19 de marzo de 2011
I am impressed
There are expresions directly conected to some languages that can't be said in another one. For example, in french we have the " je suis desolée ". There is a sound, a...soul in that sound that cannot be translated to any other.
This happens with " i am impress ". It's like a very long ssss that moves around your lips, telling the world the sensation that you have. It's great :-) And of course, i am impress. No matter how much times do i come to fairyland, there is still more magic waiting for me. Other maybe there isn't magic, so something usual. Love, really understood, it's the art of make usual things become magical. This explains why religions, work other anything can be love. Cause love is something that float over everything and...
Hell, i sound like a romantic comedy. Someone kill me, for mercy !
But this is the thing.I went to a shore.It was a rock shore with a black sand beach, like any of here.It remenbered me a lot of other shores where i was with the boat and the ship when working here. But we spoke at a bar and it was like magic again. As when we were eating with Santi and his friend and all the conversation themes were interesting and everybody had something usefull to tell. I felt me so... impressed. And that's the word and the feeling.
So thanks. Even in another language, thanks :-) It's great to have this feeling, wich gives me strenght for all that will come later. Spassiba !
This happens with " i am impress ". It's like a very long ssss that moves around your lips, telling the world the sensation that you have. It's great :-) And of course, i am impress. No matter how much times do i come to fairyland, there is still more magic waiting for me. Other maybe there isn't magic, so something usual. Love, really understood, it's the art of make usual things become magical. This explains why religions, work other anything can be love. Cause love is something that float over everything and...
Hell, i sound like a romantic comedy. Someone kill me, for mercy !
But this is the thing.I went to a shore.It was a rock shore with a black sand beach, like any of here.It remenbered me a lot of other shores where i was with the boat and the ship when working here. But we spoke at a bar and it was like magic again. As when we were eating with Santi and his friend and all the conversation themes were interesting and everybody had something usefull to tell. I felt me so... impressed. And that's the word and the feeling.
So thanks. Even in another language, thanks :-) It's great to have this feeling, wich gives me strenght for all that will come later. Spassiba !
lunes, 14 de marzo de 2011
Three wise men
There is a poem from Samuel Coleridge called " the rhyme of the ancient mariner ". When i was a teenager i knew it as an Iron Maiden song and it surprised me for the long and bored that appeared to me, but still caught my imagination. As any child, i loved my grandpa who was an old mariner of hard hands, straight back and soo tall and strong. The father any children would love. So, since my soonest childhood, i have always feel atracted by the mistery of the sea and what surrounds all this ancient mariners. Wich coast could have they visited ? Wich ports ? Wich wonders, wich languages unknown, wich weird adventures ?
Someway i am a little bit of an ancient mariner myself now a days. And i can tell stories that begin with " when i was a child... ". So let's bore you with a little one about it.
When i was a child, we didn't learn english being 3. In fact we didn't begin with english until being 12, and at this time we were quite busy with real maths, real phisics, real language, real story... to worry about a language that noone of us found usefull. When i was a child, we were still someway inocent. With twelve years old our life was football, bike, beach half the year... for the nerds of us the videogames were begining and for the faster of us the girls were begining too. Anyway, as any child, we were so far from gifts and there was a lot of time since we began raiding the house in the look for our christmas presents.
That's why i passed over this information without even caring.
In Spain, since inmemorial times, we receive our children gifts the day 6th of January. Theorically, it's the day when the Three Wise Men visited Jesuchrist to give them his presents, and for this day, all the children in a spanish house are THE children. But now we come to the mistery that inspired this article.
There isn't " three wise men ". In spanish we call them the " Wizard kings ". So when i studied english and discovered how they stole our name, i just passed over it cause this was a " children " thing.
Of course. As an ancient mariner, i can ask for the children things with all my proud. I have a beard and don't need to prove that i am a children anymore, with people calling me " sir " in the shops and all this. So i come back to this mistery and i begin to analize.
What's bad with you, english people of the world ? Three wise men ? What did they have of wise ? Yeah, they knew how to have good relations with the boss, giving gifts and all this but... what's with this ? I can do it too :-P No children will feel impresed for a " wise " man. My grandfather wasn't wise when i was a child. He was mighty, and funny, and amazing. He did some kind of magic, moving the hands to make disappear a coin other showing me knots that are unmount by themselves. How did he do that ? I want to know it !
And this is the most important thing of being a children. The magic. So i throw to hell all this people who change names, like if names hasn't any meaning, and i ask for my Wizard Kings again. Who brought gifts that we didn't know what could be, but always fill our hearts of mistery, of game and kindness. Even when i were " older " and didn't believe them, the raid for the treasure hiding in my home was some kind of magic. And i want to look for something under the bed again, afraid cause there may be a monster but encouraging myself cause there can be a treasure there too.
This article is dedicated to everybody who keeps dreaming. Don't surrender ! We are with you
Someway i am a little bit of an ancient mariner myself now a days. And i can tell stories that begin with " when i was a child... ". So let's bore you with a little one about it.
When i was a child, we didn't learn english being 3. In fact we didn't begin with english until being 12, and at this time we were quite busy with real maths, real phisics, real language, real story... to worry about a language that noone of us found usefull. When i was a child, we were still someway inocent. With twelve years old our life was football, bike, beach half the year... for the nerds of us the videogames were begining and for the faster of us the girls were begining too. Anyway, as any child, we were so far from gifts and there was a lot of time since we began raiding the house in the look for our christmas presents.
That's why i passed over this information without even caring.
In Spain, since inmemorial times, we receive our children gifts the day 6th of January. Theorically, it's the day when the Three Wise Men visited Jesuchrist to give them his presents, and for this day, all the children in a spanish house are THE children. But now we come to the mistery that inspired this article.
There isn't " three wise men ". In spanish we call them the " Wizard kings ". So when i studied english and discovered how they stole our name, i just passed over it cause this was a " children " thing.
Of course. As an ancient mariner, i can ask for the children things with all my proud. I have a beard and don't need to prove that i am a children anymore, with people calling me " sir " in the shops and all this. So i come back to this mistery and i begin to analize.
What's bad with you, english people of the world ? Three wise men ? What did they have of wise ? Yeah, they knew how to have good relations with the boss, giving gifts and all this but... what's with this ? I can do it too :-P No children will feel impresed for a " wise " man. My grandfather wasn't wise when i was a child. He was mighty, and funny, and amazing. He did some kind of magic, moving the hands to make disappear a coin other showing me knots that are unmount by themselves. How did he do that ? I want to know it !
And this is the most important thing of being a children. The magic. So i throw to hell all this people who change names, like if names hasn't any meaning, and i ask for my Wizard Kings again. Who brought gifts that we didn't know what could be, but always fill our hearts of mistery, of game and kindness. Even when i were " older " and didn't believe them, the raid for the treasure hiding in my home was some kind of magic. And i want to look for something under the bed again, afraid cause there may be a monster but encouraging myself cause there can be a treasure there too.
This article is dedicated to everybody who keeps dreaming. Don't surrender ! We are with you
domingo, 6 de marzo de 2011
Spread your wings
main " agreement " with my readers is that most of the things that i write in my mail are free from my mind. Nothing to use against other to please me. If i begin thinking in the consequences of what i write there other here i would lost my freedom, and without freedom it cannot exist art other creativity. So please, let's enjoy :-) I will translate this last article just to unplease her, and after explain all this i will keep with my production: some things in english and some things in spanish. Let's be thankfull that i don't write another ones in german other russian :-P
Spread your wings is a hit of Queen, but i knew them in the cover of Blind Guardian. Anyway, as today i found Ivan, wich i didn't meet for years and he is a mega-fan of queen, this article is dedicated to him.
I am so excited. As i came over the Calesas Street, i phoned Luis to make him jealous.
- Guess what have i listened.
- Tell me.
- " Caleta " sang from Antonio Martin group.
- Son of a bitch...
But it was a " son of a bitch " reconcentrated, of hate, evil. I loved it. And it's not the only thing that i have loved today. I slept five hours and, after laugh a lot with mrs Inna Osypenko, i have taken my mp3, my trenchcoat and my converse and i went to the center to feed Burger King and Carnival with Mrs Niki. The bottle girl. And, do you know something ? One knows that he really enjoyed with someone when, a little bit after saying bye, miss him/her. This girl is a all star, good for her. And fuck, how much did i wanted a lot of carnival. Of chorus, comparsas, people, foolness. Of rain too, what the hell, cause water cleans the soul and paint tears in your face a while. And to be deep and metaphisic and fool and stupid. I have came back home cause i have to prepare things for tomorrow, take a look on the car, take out my wet shoes and write Raya. And remenbering Raya, now i notice that this girl is a heal for the wounds that i make to myself, and that i am a teacher for her. She said me one time that, if she wouldn't learn anything from me, she wouldn't lost time with me. Wich is at the same time so cruel and so smart from her. I am playing with this idea, that men, for animal agresivity, tend to build, destroy, modfy.. without limits. And then it comes the women and put limits, organize, manage. I was thinking in that concept of roles together and it looks as a so crude idea yet, but something wich we can exploit.
And all this after a carnival time and a nice girl. What a thing. In two days i feel me like if i were having spring inside again, a few of life, of fight, of lust. I want to live. I want to make things. And i feel that i can do it, i can offer something to the world with my silences, my surrealism, my way of watch the world. I feel myself more... alive. How much did i needed a few carnival after the stupid tireness of the campaign, for God's sake. Take care, i miss you
Ale
martes, 22 de febrero de 2011
Let the light surround you
Even when it's so fucking cold because of the wind. Today i have light in my eyes, soon will come a bastard to turn it off. But until this happens, i am in a full row of luck. The russian classes rocks, i had enjoyed at work, i have meet some nice people... even Ale finally mounted my tyranids tyrant. It appears as everything is fun and wonderfull. Maybe i even have sex other a concert soon. Naaah, don't ask so much. As i have said, soon will come a bastard to fuck the week. Let's hope that it only fucks the week and i don't have problems to sit me again.
Why am i writting all this ? No idea. Probably cause i am happy and want to share you with you. And by 'you' i mean Raya, who is the only person who read this. It's happening nice things in my life and there is a part of her responsability on it. She encourages me with her evil humour and maintain my curiosity for the world outside me and outside mine. I think this is important. So many mariners that i know are so enclosed... life is work, and after work family. That's when you are at an age, before this life is work, and after work party. And i want something more. Maybe not something incredible but... read, travel, know, discover, enjoy. Life must be something more than only simple pleasures. And Raya encourages me in this way.
So thanks for all, you evil one :-P And try to add the girl who doesn't speak. Embraces !
Why am i writting all this ? No idea. Probably cause i am happy and want to share you with you. And by 'you' i mean Raya, who is the only person who read this. It's happening nice things in my life and there is a part of her responsability on it. She encourages me with her evil humour and maintain my curiosity for the world outside me and outside mine. I think this is important. So many mariners that i know are so enclosed... life is work, and after work family. That's when you are at an age, before this life is work, and after work party. And i want something more. Maybe not something incredible but... read, travel, know, discover, enjoy. Life must be something more than only simple pleasures. And Raya encourages me in this way.
So thanks for all, you evil one :-P And try to add the girl who doesn't speak. Embraces !
domingo, 6 de febrero de 2011
What's up with me ?
Hormones are so evil sometimes. I just came back sailing so revolutionated... and after this i have only weirdness in my life. As i miss my bro so much, i have meet three Down guys in my street just in one day. I use to think that Down people are falling angels, a piece of heaven in our lifes and our souls. But just at this moment... maybe life tries to say me something.
The other day there was a new in tv. The spanish government want to close orphanages and get so many people as posible with " temporal families ". They said that the main problem comes with brothers, who are better to not be separated, and guys with diseases. A mate said that it's natural that someone who wants an orphan wants a healthy orphan. It was quite cruel, as they are person not horses, but life is cruel so i didn't care about it. I argumented, cause i like to argumented, and like any argument you have with a person without perspective, she took it to the personal aspect.
Would you adopt a guy with a disease ? She meant like down, other what my brother had. She didn't know how was my bro, but i thought about the question and i surprised myself answering yes. I would. I won't make a family ever, but if i make one i would like to have a guy other a girl with problems between us. Not for pity, as pity it's a ridiculous argument to do anything, but because a person this way teaches you so much things. They give you a true reason to fight, to never surrender. They hold you when you can't any more and they ask so few for all that they give... People who hasn't lived that experience cannot know what is, so the argument with this woman was a nonsense and a lost of time, but like any conversation it has two levels. One with her, and another with myself. And this second one was really usefull.
I am a few strange again. Remenbering all this theme gave me a feeling of emptyness, of loneliness, of useless. Why living, when i cannot share my knowledge and my experiences to anyone ? Just wander, looking for pleasure and for forgotteness. But at the same time i had a terrible lust for this, for a way to be out of anything, just enclosed in a bubble of feelings to not think. To not suffer.
Maybe that's why i am so weird this days. Lucky tomorrow we come back to work and i force myself to be " normal " again. Maybe i don't know what i really want.
Mr Ale
The other day there was a new in tv. The spanish government want to close orphanages and get so many people as posible with " temporal families ". They said that the main problem comes with brothers, who are better to not be separated, and guys with diseases. A mate said that it's natural that someone who wants an orphan wants a healthy orphan. It was quite cruel, as they are person not horses, but life is cruel so i didn't care about it. I argumented, cause i like to argumented, and like any argument you have with a person without perspective, she took it to the personal aspect.
Would you adopt a guy with a disease ? She meant like down, other what my brother had. She didn't know how was my bro, but i thought about the question and i surprised myself answering yes. I would. I won't make a family ever, but if i make one i would like to have a guy other a girl with problems between us. Not for pity, as pity it's a ridiculous argument to do anything, but because a person this way teaches you so much things. They give you a true reason to fight, to never surrender. They hold you when you can't any more and they ask so few for all that they give... People who hasn't lived that experience cannot know what is, so the argument with this woman was a nonsense and a lost of time, but like any conversation it has two levels. One with her, and another with myself. And this second one was really usefull.
I am a few strange again. Remenbering all this theme gave me a feeling of emptyness, of loneliness, of useless. Why living, when i cannot share my knowledge and my experiences to anyone ? Just wander, looking for pleasure and for forgotteness. But at the same time i had a terrible lust for this, for a way to be out of anything, just enclosed in a bubble of feelings to not think. To not suffer.
Maybe that's why i am so weird this days. Lucky tomorrow we come back to work and i force myself to be " normal " again. Maybe i don't know what i really want.
Mr Ale
lunes, 24 de enero de 2011
Sometimes i just want emptyness
There are sometimes when you cannot anymore. Other you don't want to can, cause it's easier and more confortable. There are times when put your boots on is a full world in itself, so you let it be.
You torture yourself. Begin about people. Everybody is having fun, making plans. Noone feels so down as me, so alone as me, so empty as me. It's ridiculous and you know as you think it, but you continue torturing yourself cause, in a perverted way, it makes you happy. You need to hurt someone and noone is easier to hurt than yourself. Why do you do that ? Cause you are weak and you are too proud to recognaise it. And for this time the life took you with your defences down. It's easier to torture yourself than simply recognaise that something hurted you.
It's what Raya calls a " girlie moment ". Other it's me who call it, who cares ? When i am in this mood i don't want to learn russian, don't want to travel, don't want to paint, don't want anything. I just become a vegetable who plays computer. Even chat is too much work for my vegetable brain.
But it doesn't plays. I am a dog, a sea dog, and as any dog i need kindness, good eating and exercise. As i had a lack of this three i become down, but soon i will put me on the move. I need to. A few boat, a few friends, a few sport, a few metal. Things that keep you on, that activates you and forces you to do something. I want to eat chinese food, i want to be full, and warm, and happy. I want to rest and laugh. Maybe a serie ? Maybe some comics ? Maybe something will heal me for what i have done to myself.
Anyway, tomorrow will be another day. Dream Theater sang it " wake another day, try a little harder, find another reason, to stay ". And this is what i will do. So keep on as you can and remenber, it's up to you. We are still on the fight
Ale
You torture yourself. Begin about people. Everybody is having fun, making plans. Noone feels so down as me, so alone as me, so empty as me. It's ridiculous and you know as you think it, but you continue torturing yourself cause, in a perverted way, it makes you happy. You need to hurt someone and noone is easier to hurt than yourself. Why do you do that ? Cause you are weak and you are too proud to recognaise it. And for this time the life took you with your defences down. It's easier to torture yourself than simply recognaise that something hurted you.
It's what Raya calls a " girlie moment ". Other it's me who call it, who cares ? When i am in this mood i don't want to learn russian, don't want to travel, don't want to paint, don't want anything. I just become a vegetable who plays computer. Even chat is too much work for my vegetable brain.
But it doesn't plays. I am a dog, a sea dog, and as any dog i need kindness, good eating and exercise. As i had a lack of this three i become down, but soon i will put me on the move. I need to. A few boat, a few friends, a few sport, a few metal. Things that keep you on, that activates you and forces you to do something. I want to eat chinese food, i want to be full, and warm, and happy. I want to rest and laugh. Maybe a serie ? Maybe some comics ? Maybe something will heal me for what i have done to myself.
Anyway, tomorrow will be another day. Dream Theater sang it " wake another day, try a little harder, find another reason, to stay ". And this is what i will do. So keep on as you can and remenber, it's up to you. We are still on the fight
Ale
jueves, 20 de enero de 2011
Raya is the guilty
So, here i am. Tonight i had some kind of magic in my life and here i am, ready to write it again. For the first time in... maybe a year ? I think almost, overall because Vicen saved me. But i think that it has been a loooong time since the last when i went to a concert and enjoyed so much. It's curious to say, but probably Angelus Apatrida is the only spanish " crude " metal band ( excepting Ktulu ) wich i really like. And tonight they broke it off in Cádiz :-) It was a great time and i felt myself so happy, so shining, so... so alive. We need metal :-)
In Prosiland i define myself with a lot of words, but i forgot to speak about metal there. No idea why. There is a lot of empty spaces in my life that i try to fill with anything that i can, and there are a lot of other things that i forgot that they are, and of course they do ! Curiously, tonight i missed Eva in the concert. I remenbered too late that i should told her about the concert and maybe she would come. But i miss so many things... and there is so few time to lost missing things. I just try my best and hope this is enough.
Tonight i confessed something to the crow girl. I haven't really love anyone since Jose isn't with me. I haven't truly hate something too. I think that i have gone too far in my germanation to pass over the pain and put some order and discipline into my life. Maybe i need a good amount of Brazil, but tonight as i was in the concert i began noticing somethings about the plan to Brazil that i didn't liked. And at the same time it atracted me so much. Why bad things are so interesting ? Aaahh, the temptation of evil.
Anyway, it's time to go sleeping. I will rest four hours and tomorrow work and lots of duties. Let's see how it goes ! Wish me luck, people. Here i am, and here will i come from time by time to bore you with stories, tales and nonsenses ( not necesarily in this order ). Have a great time ;-)
Ale
In Prosiland i define myself with a lot of words, but i forgot to speak about metal there. No idea why. There is a lot of empty spaces in my life that i try to fill with anything that i can, and there are a lot of other things that i forgot that they are, and of course they do ! Curiously, tonight i missed Eva in the concert. I remenbered too late that i should told her about the concert and maybe she would come. But i miss so many things... and there is so few time to lost missing things. I just try my best and hope this is enough.
Tonight i confessed something to the crow girl. I haven't really love anyone since Jose isn't with me. I haven't truly hate something too. I think that i have gone too far in my germanation to pass over the pain and put some order and discipline into my life. Maybe i need a good amount of Brazil, but tonight as i was in the concert i began noticing somethings about the plan to Brazil that i didn't liked. And at the same time it atracted me so much. Why bad things are so interesting ? Aaahh, the temptation of evil.
Anyway, it's time to go sleeping. I will rest four hours and tomorrow work and lots of duties. Let's see how it goes ! Wish me luck, people. Here i am, and here will i come from time by time to bore you with stories, tales and nonsenses ( not necesarily in this order ). Have a great time ;-)
Ale
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